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02:15 AM on 12/12/12 
#1
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gfxtwin
Regular Member
gfxtwin's Avatar
Male - 28 Years Old
Not going to kill myself because I don't have the guts. My main goal in life, if the plan for a solution fails, is to move out of my folks' house for their sake, find a stable job where I can support myself by illustrating/digital painting, and live comfortably alone and in peace. *cue comfortably numb by pink floyd*

Finding a tenderlover is out of the question. Not because I'm bisexual/gay and on the downlow. Not because I want to avoid relationships. Believe me, dying alone was never part of the plan. However, the game changed when my parents put me on medicine at a young age to deal with the psychosis. After being on the medicine so long, I thought it would be a good idea to take myself off it and replace them with more natural drugs (like weed). That only made the psychosis worse, which surprised me because at that age I never knew of a single person who didn't become more chill/happy while on that stuff. Maybe alcohol would have been a better option, or maybe not given that both of my folks and a large portion of my family are alcoholics and I didn't want the same fate. Nothing against alcoholics, but that lifestyle always ends up being more negative than positive.

Anyway, after going crazy my folks put me back into the mental hospital. During my stay there I was put on medication that numbed me significantly. Not only mentally and emotionally, but physically; there was a side effect that can best be described as something similar to chemical castration. With the feelings in my genitals gone, most of my social skills left too. What's the point in socializing and becoming close to people you care about if you can't express love physically? It's a healthy and natural part of life. Yes, being asexual can also be healthy, but I always wanted to know what sex was like. To find some kind of complete physical/spiritual/emotional fulfillment with a person I love.

Now I am almost totally unsociable because my extreme anxiety prevents me from communicating with most of the world. I'm a real piece of work: obese because of the meds (unattractive), angry and frustrated because sex is removed from my life for good, and depressed and sometimes manic due to the meds I was put on at a young age and the poor decision to take myself off them when I was 18.

Well, that's the sob story. I'm looking into seeing a urologist and hopefully there are options for me. I'm off the meds that made my genitals numb, and am taking something much less intense, but the sexual side effects still remain. When I brought this up to a couple of doctors they told me to talk to the psychologist, who then told me to make an appt. with the urologist. Once I save enough money, I'll go and hopefully find a cure for this.
02:37 AM on 12/12/12 
#2
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TorontoMatt
No Avatar Selected
I don't see any questions. But here's an answer for you. Life is hard for everyone. Lose some weight, fix your dick, and get out there and meet people.
03:49 AM on 12/12/12 
#3
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CastlesXClouds
Relax
CastlesXClouds's Avatar
San Diego,...
Male
dont give up on yourself.
04:50 AM on 12/12/12 
#4
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punkcrap
a stupid fuck with brilliant luck.
punkcrap's Avatar
Brazil
Male - 24 Years Old
This must be a really awful situation, but don't give up. Go see a doctor and start getting your life back on track. I'm sure you're not alone, so start accepting help from friends/family, even if the only thing they can do is share some moments of conversation with you. Face this as a new era in your life, where all the bad shit is starting to belong in a dark, distant past. Now it's time for you to start from scratch. And I know it's a lot easier for me to write this, and reality is tough and ugly, but there isn't another way. Your only choice is to stand tall and face every challenge ahead of you.
05:09 AM on 12/12/12 
#5
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sevinw0rds
Polyrhythms!
sevinw0rds's Avatar
Las Vegas
Male - 31 Years Old
It sounds like you're already taking steps to better your situation, and that's awesome. Keep striving, dude, none of us have any idea what potential we're capable of unless we give it a shot.
05:29 AM on 12/12/12 
#6
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XenoAbe
Cowboy monkey riding border collies
XenoAbe's Avatar
Atlanta, Ga
Male - 29 Years Old
Sometimes you gotta go through crap to get to the good stuff. Keep at it man. Life's worth it. I promise.
05:51 AM on 12/12/12 
#7
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gfxtwin
Regular Member
gfxtwin's Avatar
Male - 28 Years Old
Way too many messageboards are negative and hateful, so I'm glad I found this one.
05:53 AM on 12/12/12 
#8
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therookielot
the shape of punk just came
therookielot's Avatar
Chi-burbia
Male - 28 Years Old
What inspires you? Look within and run with that. Everything else falls into place in the background when you have a goal in mind you're working for. It sounds like you have a release with illustration and digital painting, let your mania flow into creativity. You're in control of your own thoughts in the end, muse it out.
08:20 AM on 12/12/12 
#9
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sjb2k1
#4
sjb2k1's Avatar
the bull city
Female - 31 Years Old
Moderator
try not to assume you'll be alone forever
01:14 PM on 12/12/12 
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Ollie McKraut
Registered Member
Ollie McKraut's Avatar
Male - 23 Years Old
Weird that drugs didn't fix your issues.

Hint: sex probably won't, either.
02:36 PM on 12/12/12 
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allthewaysaid
Have a feeling I'll die in my20s...
allthewaysaid's Avatar
Texas
Male - 22 Years Old
Watch Freaks and Geeks. It changed how I see myself, and the rest of the world. Bro crush on James Franco.
02:53 PM on 12/12/12 
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Yontsey
This Awkward Silence / Dustin
Yontsey's Avatar
Cleveland, OH
Male - 30 Years Old
I'd just cut that penis clean off.
03:17 PM on 12/12/12 
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jesse_hitz
Juice
jesse_hitz's Avatar
South Slocan
Male - 23 Years Old
Not going to kill myself because I don't have the guts. My main goal in life, if the plan for a solution fails, is to move out of my folks' house for their sake, find a stable job where I can support myself by illustrating/digital painting, and live comfortably alone and in peace. *cue comfortably numb by pink floyd*

Finding a tenderlover is out of the question. Not because I'm bisexual/gay and on the downlow. Not because I want to avoid relationships. Believe me, dying alone was never part of the plan. However, the game changed when my parents put me on medicine at a young age to deal with the psychosis. After being on the medicine so long, I thought it would be a good idea to take myself off it and replace them with more natural drugs (like weed). That only made the psychosis worse, which surprised me because at that age I never knew of a single person who didn't become more chill/happy while on that stuff. Maybe alcohol would have been a better option, or maybe not given that both of my folks and a large portion of my family are alcoholics and I didn't want the same fate. Nothing against alcoholics, but that lifestyle always ends up being more negative than positive.

Anyway, after going crazy my folks put me back into the mental hospital. During my stay there I was put on medication that numbed me significantly. Not only mentally and emotionally, but physically; there was a side effect that can best be described as something similar to chemical castration. With the feelings in my genitals gone, most of my social skills left too. What's the point in socializing and becoming close to people you care about if you can't express love physically? It's a healthy and natural part of life. Yes, being asexual can also be healthy, but I always wanted to know what sex was like. To find some kind of complete physical/spiritual/emotional fulfillment with a person I love.

Now I am almost totally unsociable because my extreme anxiety prevents me from communicating with most of the world. I'm a real piece of work: obese because of the meds (unattractive), angry and frustrated because sex is removed from my life for good, and depressed and sometimes manic due to the meds I was put on at a young age and the poor decision to take myself off them when I was 18.

Well, that's the sob story. I'm looking into seeing a urologist and hopefully there are options for me. I'm off the meds that made my genitals numb, and am taking something much less intense, but the sexual side effects still remain. When I brought this up to a couple of doctors they told me to talk to the psychologist, who then told me to make an appt. with the urologist. Once I save enough money, I'll go and hopefully find a cure for this.
That sounds really rough man. I would offer advice but really the only person who knows what your going through is yourself. All I can say is that I hope things work out for you, and that life is an adventure man. It's never always fair, but take that attitude and say fuck it. Be the person you want to be. You can lose the weight, and have everything you want. Yes it will be a long hard journey but if you want it you can do it. The other thing I might be able to offer in terms of advice is find a decent job if possible save money and then go out and see the world. I hope you get things figured out buddy.
04:58 PM on 12/12/12 
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Archael
listens to good music
Archael's Avatar
Male - 20 Years Old
What ever you do, don't stop, you'll find something (or more likely) someone that's worth all the effort.

You'll probably need to lose some weight, but you can do it.
08:19 PM on 12/12/12 
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KingMax01
Theres no good in your eyes anymore
KingMax01's Avatar
Alberta, Canada
Male - 21 Years Old
Whenever I'm feeling upset, sad, depressed etc, a good walk/run through some trails always helps me feel refreshed and think clear. Find talents that you can be proud of like playing an instrument, or writing. Healthy eating always helps me feel a lot better too. I'm not saying you don't eat healthy already (my uncle is on meds for schizophrenia and has gained much weight as well). Join some kind of group or club with similar interests as you and maybe you'll find some new friends or even a relationship there.



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