poem fragment, tell me what you think!

FrancisJones · 09:55 PM on 03/20/13 #1

I see you and you see me
But you turn your head eventually
And walk away

You see me and I see you
But you walk right by "just passing through"
My mind today

I wish we were eye to eye
So I wouldn't have to wonder why
You walk away

**lfdfforever** · 12:49 PM on 03/24/13 #2

Abstract and subtle.

**a speedo model** · 02:41 PM on 03/25/13 #3

I honestly do not know what I think about this...I like the approach and idea. It is very subtle. But it feels too easy to dismiss...not sure

FrancisJones · 06:09 PM on 03/31/13 #4

Thanks for the comments guys! So i'm assuming to make it better try to make it more direct?

matmanok · 07:51 AM on 04/03/13 #5

The structure is fine but some of the words don't flow as smoothly as they could. The imagery works well. Keep it up!

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