| I've only told 3 people.
I'll give them fake names, the 17 year old = Josh 6 year old = Sean
I was six years old. It happened shortly after we moved to a new house in a new town, and our old next door neighbors came up to visit us and see our new house. Their son, a 17 year old boy, was the one who molested me. He was put in charge of babysitting for the day while our parents went shopping an hour away. I don't want to describe in detail what happened, but before it got too far, I started getting scared and saying no, and when he wouldn't stop, his younger brother Sean (who was my age) told him to and he did. Josh was jealous of me and Sean, cause we spent the day pretending we were married, playing house and all, etc. Things that six year olds do. But I also remember me and Sean kissing, with tongue. I don't know many six year olds, I don't know if this is normal. I can only imagine what had happened to him that would make him behave like that as well. But we tried avoiding Josh the rest of the day. I remember us going in my parent's room and locking the door, and making out on the bed, with Josh knocking on the door and telling us to unlock it cause he was supposed to be in charge. For some reason, one of us opened the door, and he tried to molest me again. He said all his highschool friends had "naked parties" and that if I wanted to be cool like them I'd take off my clothes too. I said no no no I didn't want to, and this time he got mad. He went in the kitchen and put a steak knife to his throat. He threatened to kill himself, and to kill me and Sean if we didn't do what he wanted. We ran to the office, locked the door, and called the police, saying Josh was going to kill himself. I waited a while and the police didn't come. Josh was standing outside the door for a bit, eventually giving up on trying to convince one of us to open it. When he walked away I climbed out the window and ran next door cause our neighbor was a firefighter and I thought he could help. Eventually the police came, they asked me if Josh did anything to me and I said no. The officer waited until our parents came home, and again, everyone asked if he did anything to me and I said no. And that was the end of it, they went home, and I went on with my life.
I didn't tell anyone until last year. I figured if I thought about it on a nearly daily basis that I should tell someone. I've watched almost every episode of Law and Order: SVU, ER, etc., all those police and medical shows, and I've seen enough to know that most kids feel embarrassed about what happened to them, many keep their abuse a secret their whole lives, and I knew I was smarter than that so I told a couple people. I told my mom, my cousin, and my best friend. I thought then that I was done with this, but then I got the idea to find these two brothers.
I tried unsuccessfully to find Josh, but I did manage to find Sean on Myspace and we messaged back and forth a few times. But when I asked about his brother he never replied. I can't find him online anywhere. There's one person with the same name, who's a pretty high profile music producer, but I doubt that's him. His mother and Sean are friends on Facebook, but she's not friends with Josh, and who doesn't have a Facebook profile nowadays? I just want to know if he's dead, in a mental institution, or is some millionaire somewhere living a perfect life. I want to ask him if he remembers what he did, cause I think about it all the time. California doesn't really have a statute of limitations for molestation. It says within 8 years of when you turn 18, but there have been many cases where someone was prosecuted after that. I don't have any intention of doing anything about this, I just want to find out if somebody else has.
I wouldn't consider this experience to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but I've started to realize it may have caused me more damage than I thought. I've never been in a relationship. I've had my fair share of crushes, but that's it. I've never kissed a boy, aside from Sean when I was six. I've never even held hands with a boy. Hugs are awkward enough, I'm only just getting used to those. I've only ever had one close sort-of friendship with a boy I had a crush on for 5 years. We'd talk online for hours almost every day, but we hardly ever saw each other in person. I can count on one hand the amount of times we did. There have been boys that liked me over the years, but I made up excuses for not liking them to my friends: he's ugly, he's crazy, he's creepy, he's an idiot, etc. At this point I just want to find some random guy to hook up with, so that I won't be completely inexperienced when I eventually get with a guy that I like and that likes me back. But I know that's ridiculous thinking, and besides, I still can't imagine being close to a boy. A few weeks ago I told my psychiatrist that I've never had a relationship, and I'm not really interested in one. I said I don't want to be in a relationship until I feel good about myself, that I'm disgusted with how I look, how I talk, that I have a horribly flawed personality...and any guy that liked me right now would be out of their mind. He said he is extremely worried about that, and I burst out laughing. I didn't realize anything was wrong with me. Neither him nor my psychologist know I was molested, cause I haven't told them yet, but I never realized that could be the reason that I felt like this.
I don't know what the point of this thread is, but I'd rather share this with a bunch of random people than the rest of my friends and doctors. |
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I also have ADD, and it seems like the depression symptoms go away when I'm on Concerta or Adderal moreso than when I'm on an SSRI. But I'm not on any ADD meds right now, so yeah. Also, you're 44? Haha, what brought you to AP? I'm really sorry this happened to you too. I don't know about group counseling, I've never really considered that. As cliche as it sounds, I feel like part of it happening was my fault, that I let it happen. I know deep down that that isn't really true but eh. How did you get into doing that, is there a certain organization I can look into?
