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Album Review
Fight Fair - California Kicks Album Cover

Fight Fair - California Kicks

Reviewed by
0.9
Fight FairCalifornia Kicks
Record Label: Triple Crown Records
Release Date: June 29th, 2010
This review was written by an AP.net staff member.
Because I am writing this review, you can be sure that I have listened to Fight Fair’s debut full-length album California Kicks. Usually this is no problem and requires no acknowledgement, but I am genuinely embarrassed. Fight Fair has put my mortality into clear view. Now remember, I listen almost exclusively to terrible music; It’s my bread and butter because it makes me feel like less of a failure. And I consider myself one of those people who can find beauty in anything (except myself, of course). Yet I find nothing, not a single note, lyric or rhythm, worth praising on California Kicks. If this pop-puke album was a drowning child I would simply turn away and finish my crossword puzzle. Then I’d probably see a movie. And then, just maybe if there’s a lull in some conversation later, I’ll recount the story. Because even if this album-as-child died the most gruesome of deaths, we’d be better off. Wait: the album just began again and Alex Bigman’s obnoxiously altered whine has sent another chill down my spine. Fight Fair make the music hot blond girls listen to before serial killers wear their faces as loincloths.

While I may seem close-minded and completely uptight, and while that is also probably true, believe that this barrage of hate is solely based on musical output. This album is a void. “SexyFancyMoney” has a Ke$ha wannabe sharing vocal duties with Bigman on lines like, “I’ll give you the keys to my cars / Even pay off your credit cards / Just so you go steady with me.” And yeah, I understand that Bigman is being semi-facetious and silly and all, but do we need another weird offshoot of post-poverty Gabe Saporta? Certainly not; we don’t need that song’s terrible cheer section, the barbershop quartet intro of “Diner Date” (which is about post-modern art) or the chorus of “I’ve Got A Secret,” which reads as follows, “I’ve got a secret / I’ve got a crush on you.” No, we don’t need any of that. But we do need:

-Talking dogs
-KFC to invent a Triple Double Down sandwich
-Public toilets that allow you to hover over the seat
-I’d like to be turned into a cartoon and then be implanted into a Pixar movie
-Books that read US!
-A lingerie football cable channel
-Bigger Dunkaroos! Or any of my favorite childhood snacks that didn’t grow in size like I did.
-________ This spot is blank to allow for someone to add a scientific solution society needs. I tried looking one up but my boner started to go away.
-To adopt a system for speaking with dentists while they have their hands in our mouths.
-Let’s make condescension a crime.

Yes, we need all of those things. But we will never need a song like “Backseat Bingo” that is maybe? making fun of sock-hop tunes by dropping girl-friendly suggestions like “Taking off that blouse.” Nope, we were fine before California Kicks flew out of hell, and if we all work together, we’ll be fine again. Let us pray.


Recommended If You Like: For a completely different and unrelated reason, I wrote "Kill Me Now" on my hand. So, there's that.


blake.solomon@absolutepunk.netwww.myspace.com/fightfair
 
Displaying posts 1 - 15 of 333
06:30 PM on 07/13/10
#2
Blake Solomon
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i can't believe this is a record made by real people.
07:01 PM on 07/13/10
#3
coachcake
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It upsets me that I'm not as cool as you.
07:13 PM on 07/13/10
#4
vivatoto56
Your wick won't burn away
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I never got this album but it's been fun reading all of the terrible reviews for it.

I'm not sure if anyone likes it.
07:36 PM on 07/13/10
#5
Gregory Robson
Under Rug Swept
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I mean my cat likes it. So it can't be that good.
07:36 PM on 07/13/10
#6
Croggs
No I will not make out with you
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Biggest regret of my college career? Never saying something to you when I saw you at the rec center. You were probably busy jamming to some Underdog Alma Mater anyways.
07:54 PM on 07/13/10
#7
red8ge
@JohnxHill
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didn't they use to have breakdowns
08:02 PM on 07/13/10
#8
WhoSaidThat?
twitter.com/TiredOfSeth
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For some perspective, that xtwataudition dude would often submit news about this band. Also "Fight Fair" was one of his extra accounts. Just laying that on the table.
08:28 PM on 07/13/10
#9
cubine
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Thank you so much for writing this.
08:48 PM on 07/13/10
HMNIJared
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Too bad nobody understands this record.
Fight Fair wrote it as a joke, fun, summer album.
They didn't make it AOTY material.
08:53 PM on 07/13/10
Blake Solomon
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Too bad nobody understands this record.
Fight Fair wrote it as a joke, fun, summer album.
They didn't make it AOTY material.
I did understand that:

"And yeah, I understand that Bigman is being semi-facetious and silly and all, but do we need another weird offshoot of post-poverty Gabe Saporta?"

And I didn't think it was very funny, but on top of that the composition of the whole surf-pop for idiots pastiche isn't pleasing or catchy or anything good.
09:05 PM on 07/13/10
Young Machetes
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i can't believe this is a record made by real people.
Your review is one of the best reviews I've ever read. I want to tweet this, re-tweet this, and post this everywhere.

How can music like this still come out that'd not Disney pop?!

"Recommended If You Like: For a completely different and unrelated reason, I wrote "Kill Me Now" on my hand. So, there's that." This reminds me of Llamas with hats. So that's a win right there.
09:06 PM on 07/13/10
rawspinner
Fight the Cancer
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It upsets me that I'm not as cool as you.

But, I mean, at least we know him.
09:11 PM on 07/13/10
TSLROCKS
Knicks 2016 World Champions!
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i can't believe this is a record made by real people.
Hahahaha I don't even need to read the review. This tells me all I need to know
09:17 PM on 07/13/10
HMNIJared
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I did understand that:

"And yeah, I understand that Bigman is being semi-facetious and silly and all, but do we need another weird offshoot of post-poverty Gabe Saporta?"

And I didn't think it was very funny, but on top of that the composition of the whole surf-pop for idiots pastiche isn't pleasing or catchy or anything good.
Touche, but Fight Fair is at least beachy music which is what they aim for.

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