I definitely wasn’t being accepted in school, or anywhere else in my life, to be honest. My peers either ignored me or made fun of me. I came home from school crying a lot of the times, and although I didn’t tell my family, I felt so weak. I felt like every day was so hard to live. Every step I took was painful, but I knew I was living a life I didn’t want to lead. The few friends I had didn’t really truly accept me and I always felt like I was walking on egg-shells around them. A few of them specifically would make fun of me, call me a pig, or whatever they could think of. But I kept coming back to them, because they were the only thing I had.
Soon enough though, I found my haven. I found my safe place. I found this band that loved me no matter what; and their name was My Chemical Romance. I suddenly didn’t feel as alone in the world, because there were these five(at the time Matt was the drummer~) men who, without even knowing me, seemed to know how I felt. I was rejected, angry, I felt left-out; My Chemical Romance knew all about that. They’d lived through that, and now they were telling me, through their music, that it was time for me to be happy. It was time for me to be me, and fuck anyone that didn’t like it.
My “best friend” at the time found out I was listening to My Chemical Romance and ridiculed me every day for it. He told me they were a bunch of emo ******s who should just kill themselves. But I knew, I knew that they weren’t. I knew who they truly were, and I knew they were just these wonderful, beautiful human beings. I knew they wanted me to love myself, and they wanted me to live; that was enough for me to know they were amazing individuals. So, I never listened to him. I never let his words get to me. I never let him defeat my hope in those five men, and no one ever could.
When I got to middle school, things only got worse. Well, at first things were okay. I was doing great, actually. I had friends who I loved, they loved me, and I hung out with them a lot. They didn’t make fun of me for liking MCR, and hey, some of them even liked my favorite band! I still got made fun of sometimes, but even when I did get made fun of, it wasn’t so bad. MCR and my new friends taught me not to give a fuck, so I didn’t. but it was a christian school and most of MCR songs were not allowed to be played on an audible level.
Gateway Christian School. I will never forget that horrible fucking place. It felt like elementary all over again, but a thousand times worse; I had friends who didn’t really accept me, and every day I was putting on some kind of show just so they would think I was someone else. I had so many people bullying me I couldn’t even keep up. Not only was the bullying taking place out of class, but it was in class. I remember one time I went up to present a project in my Science class, and when I couldn’t answer one question everyone started laughing at me, and calling me stupid. I went back to my desk teary-eyed, where my “friend” told me to suck it up. The teacher didn’t do a goddamn thing.
I almost got beat up a few times I felt like no one cared for me, no one loved me, and no one gave a fuck. I was ready to just close my eyes and sleep forever and not wake up. That’s really what I wanted. I just wanted to go to sleep one night and not wake up.
i popped a bottle of painkillers and tried to end it all. As fate wold have it
I was listening to my mp3 that night, and My Chemical Romance came on shuffle. With the process of all the shit going on I’d forgot about them a little bit. I remember the song that came on was Headfirst For Halos (the first song I ever heard by them), I also remember I cried. I cried because I remembered. I remembered someone did care, someone did love me, and someone did want me to keep living. They all wanted me to keep going.
After middle school, I was scared. I was scared of being rejected, of being alone, of just…Everything. Especially of going back to school.
My high-school years should have been the best fucking years of my life. They turned out to be less than that but not terrible. Bullied alot more than i wanted to be, hospital trips, other such things. My red hair is what mostly caused all of the bullying, because it wasnt racist, it was "okay" to pick on the ginger kid. one time in my woodshp class i was locked in a room, dark, no lightswitch and was in there the entire class, until the teacher opened it up just before the bell, and yelled at me for being a trouble maker, the same teacher also never cared when the other kids picked on me in front of him, throing stuff at me, even getting yogurt on my jacket, slamming my face against the desks, kicking me, threatening me, grade 10 was the worst year in highschool, i had 3 teachers, who were all good friends and all of them thought i was going nowhere in life, and treated me like nothing.i did however have great times in highschool too!!, I have met my absolute true friends, I have felt true happiness, and I even started to learn how to love my flaws(Still working on it, but some day I will be strong enough).
in grade 10, kick a ginger day was made. a day that i will never forget, the one day in my entire life, where it was acceptable to hurt, maim, or injure, me just for having red hair. a nightmare to me being one out of the 12 red heads in my school, i was jumped outside school and beaten, and i was kicked 273 times. in 6 hours. for being born. but you know what? I only allow myself to be sad about it for a certain amount of time. Then I pick myself up, dust the dirt off myself and say, “Okay Ben. No big deal. You’re alright. There are five dudes that care about you, and if they were here they’d tell you how wrong the bullies are. You’re alright.” and then I feel better.
grade 12, thinking depressing, deep emotional thoughts about suicide, wearing my black parade jacket. my eyes trailed along the hallway, i see a blonde girl, looking happy with some of her friends wearing a black parade hoody, i called to her, and she gave me a hug, for a few months we considered eachother MCR buddies until in december i asked her out. December 3 2010.
Long story short; My Chemical Romance has taught me how to be myself, how to be happy, how to smile and how to say fuck off. They have taught me that life is beautiful, and life is worth living. With the help of them, and of course my friends who helped me a lot as well, I learned how to live. (And let’s not forget my understanding, loving family and Girlfriend Sierra
So, thank you, MCR. Thank you. You may never know why I love you all so much, but at least a few people will know why~
Ben Leger, Killjoy Inked Rose