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From The Offices of Dr. Keith Buckley: 5/21

Posted by - 07:18 AM on 05/21/12
Are you as excited as I am? Today is our debut advice column was Keith Buckley (Every Time I Die). This week he answers questions regarding genital warts, prom, the future of technology and everything else in between. You can read Keith's answers to your questions in the replies, and don't forget to submit your questions to him here.
Displaying posts 1 - 15 of 56
07:19 AM on 05/21/12
Drew Beringer
Senior Editor - @drewberinger - Locked Groove
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Ask Dr. KeithMy girlfriend and I have been dating for a year as of yesterday. I still haven't told her I love her. She hasn't said it either even though I believe she does. I'm pretty sure I don't love her. What should I do?

marry her. it sounds like you guys would make a great husband and wife.
*crowd goes wild*
*tv wife hits me over the head with rolled up newspaper*
*end credits*

What advice would you give about finding inspiration, choosing words and spinning them into lyrics?

i guess i would advise that you stop looking. i believe that the words will find you if you're open to them. you just have to be on the right frequency. ideas are out there, waiting to be picked up. like radio waves. be aware and present. the hardest part is actually getting over the fear of failure. thats probably the biggest obstacle between anyone and their word. relax. have a drink. it'll find you. and if it doesn't, well, thats a sign that god hates you and is giving you the silent treatment. get a real job.

Dear Dr. Keith,
About a month ago I noticed that I had started to develop weird lumps on my genitals. After about 4 hours of looking at pictures of disfigured male genitalia I diagnosed myself with genital warts on my penis.
Normally this would not be an issue, but last week I was at a bar and this girl that I have had a crush on since I was 13 asked me if I wanted a blowjob. I said yes (forgetting of course about the genital warts) and then when she saw my flaccid penis she got sick all over my genitalia and my new beige chinos.
My question to you, Dr. Keith, is how does one remove puke from a brand new pair of beige chinos?

Thanks in advance.

if the vomit is underneath your knees, just cut them into brand new beige chino shorts. if it is not, then im sorry to break it to ya friend, but its a lost cause. vomit is impossible to get out of beige. i will have to lend you a pair of chinos so that you look presentable for your meeting with your sons teacher .

About two years ago I really fell for this girl, and all of my friends told me to tell her so I did. I don't know why I told her because she was straight, and nothing would have happened.

Despite that she flirted with me a lot, and I felt a bit lead on. We grew close and she told me a few times that she might be bisexual and a few months ago she came out as a lesbian.

We're finishing school soon and our prom is in a month. I just admitted to myself last week that I still really like her, and now she's a lesbian I was hopeful I might have more of a chance with her. I was thinking about asking her out on prom because even if she rejects me, I may never have to see her again haha!

I always say, if you never try you never know, but I'm wondering if it's the right thing to do. But how do I go about doing it? I'm incredibly shy, and I always get really nervous talking to her. What do I do?!

Please help.

I definitely think you should ask her to your prom. However, if you think you're too shy to do it yourself, allow me to ask her for you.

"Hey, lady. Monica seems like a wonderful person who has liked you for a very long time. please be her date to the prom."

Now send her a link to this column. If she says yes and you end up married with a wonderful family, you are quite welcome. if she says no and you murder her in a blind, jealous rage, well, why in gods name were you writing to a stranger for romance advice anyway?

Dear Keith,
Me and my band split ways. What do I do when I write music not punk enough for warped and not heavy enough for metal fest? Writing music for the sake of just sounding heavy sounds so lame to me. What do I do?

have you considered a prolific career in the dubstep industry? i think you can take classes online and 94% of all graduates get job placement immediately.

more than ever today things seem pregnant with their opposite - do you see the new connecting technology of todays world ultimately leading to dystopia or utopia? Neither? I already know the answer of course, just interested in your insight.

you already know where technology will ultimately lead us?

07:48 AM on 05/21/12
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07:51 AM on 05/21/12
Trevor Sostarich
Less Than A Sea
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This is perfect! Haha
07:52 AM on 05/21/12
a sheep in wolf's clothing.
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bringin the lolz on a monday morning.. thank you.
08:00 AM on 05/21/12
Lead vocalist of @TooFarLost
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TheRealJohnOC's Avatar
Oh Mr. Buckley, you are a gentlemen and a scholar.
08:21 AM on 05/21/12
keep cool, but care
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projectmayhem16's Avatar
This is fucking ace.
08:22 AM on 05/21/12
Kyle Thrash
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Raining in new york, miserable at my desk, this helped with my case of the mondays. thanks keith.
08:23 AM on 05/21/12
Rest is for the dead
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iAMhollyood315's Avatar
lol. love it.
08:24 AM on 05/21/12
When I get home I'll get high alone
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Psib's Avatar
This is perfect lunch time reading!
08:26 AM on 05/21/12
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08:35 AM on 05/21/12
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JayDanielHammer's Avatar
Dubstep answer is so true.
08:36 AM on 05/21/12
Regular Member
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scott!athedisco's Avatar
loved the dubstep answer haha
08:46 AM on 05/21/12
This Wild Life - Kevin
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kevinjordan's Avatar
Best column in AP history with only one posting.
08:53 AM on 05/21/12
Registered User
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Oh Mr. Buckley, you are a gentlemen and a scholar.
THIS x1000

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