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From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 5/28

Posted by: Drew Beringer (05/28/12)
Another week is here so it's time for another advice column from Every Time I Die's Keith Buckley. If you enjoyed last week's, then you'll love this week's column. He's like Siri - only smarter, funnier, and drunker. You can read it in the replies, enjoy.
      
 
Displaying posts 1 - 15 of 41
07:24 AM on 05/28/12
#2
Drew Beringer
Senior Editor - @drewberinger - Locked Groove
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From The Office of Dr. Keith BuckleyHi Keith!
I've been reading your column ever since its beginning. What's your advice on getting over an ex girl friend?

Mike

Dear Mike,
In the Three Stooges, when a stooge had a headache, another stooge would stomp on their foot to distract from the original pain. Using this logic, I suggest “stacking your ex’s”. just keep breaking up with people you love and eventually you’ll forget about what hurt in the first place.
Sincerely,
A chronic masturbator/sociopath


Dear Dr. K,
What do you attribute more to your column's debut sucking? Was it the crappy questions or did you pop too many Valium to deal with the anxiety of writing for such a prestigious form of American journalism? Prayhaps you can bring forth a little more vehemence next week.
Sincerely,
Peter Campbell

I attribute it solely to the fact that I did not have the brilliant writer/comedian “Peter Campbell” helping me. Or, as the address at the top of your email to me said, “Adam Taylor”. Now why on earth would such a clever, honest and outspoken dude use a fake name when sarcastically criticizing someone on an internet message board? “Prayhaps” the world may never know….

If you wanted to learn any language in the world, which one would it be?

English. I just cannot wrap my head around the difference between “Your” and “You’re”, I am constantly switching the last two letters around when I try to say “ask” and no matter how much I practice, I continually refer to Maury Povich as Maury when it is so obviously pronounced “Murry.” Once I get these three things taken care of, then probably Dothraki.

Dear Dr. Keith,

I've had a beard since I was 17, I'm 30 now so it's been a long glorious relationship, however, I've never grown it past maybe an inch or so but my wife is 4 months pregnant and a friend(also bearded) recently challenged me to not shave my bears until the baby comes which is in November. I agreed, as is required by beard code, but in the mean time its incredibly itchy and irritating. I need your help! I won't shave but I need some beardly advice.

When my beard gets too irritating I just remind her that I could probably find a million other female prostitutes who would kill to help me hide my true sexuality by accompanying me to fancy public events. That usually shuts her down quick.

Dear Dr. Buckley
Recently I've been running out of good movies to watch. What are your go to movies for an evening at home? I know you used to do a movie column in alt press (the other other AP) so I'm sure you have some good ones.

For years I have been giving my movie criticisms and recommendations to friends and strangers alike and what I find that I hear more than anything is “you know keith, you’re kind of like Ebert with a whole face” which basically means that I’m the most knowledgeable man around when it comes to this sort of thing, so pay close attention to what I say here. If you just want to have a quiet night in with a loved one and need a movie that delivers a perfect combination of drama and smart, tactful sexuality then look no further than “A Serbian Film”. It’s a delightful romp.

How does meditating work for you? And will it work for me?

I don’t usually field two questions from the same person, but I think this one is extremely important, so I will.

Answer one: Incredibly

Answer two: no.


Hello i'm Jazmin Proehl from Walmart Sales Department.We can't contact you on cellphone so we decided to email askdrkeith@gmail.com.

We would like to notify you that your entry has won an Xperia from our contest last sunday.To claim this just reply to this email for the confirmation that you already read this.

This was in my mailbox. Its not a question but it IS irrefutable proof that i just won a smartphone from Walmart, so you can take this column and shove it. big things are happening in my life and I cant be held back by people that don’t have what it takes to win free smartphones from Walmart. Jazmin Proehl, hang tight. Your knight in shitty armor is on his way….
07:30 AM on 05/28/12
#3
incognitojones
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Second on A Serbian Film. Beautiful film with a great twist, too bad the trailer ruins it. Highly suggest renting it without looking up anything about it.
07:39 AM on 05/28/12
#4
StephenYoung
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Second on A Serbian Film. Beautiful film with a great twist, too bad the trailer ruins it. Highly suggest renting it without looking up anything about it.
Amazing child acting.
07:40 AM on 05/28/12
#5
incognitojones
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Dude got snubbed for an Oscar, he's bound to get like ten eventually tho. Crazy ability for a kid.
07:50 AM on 05/28/12
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projectmayhem16
keep cool, but care
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07:55 AM on 05/28/12
#7
Alex DiVincenzo
www.alexislegend.com
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Hahaha
08:05 AM on 05/28/12
#8
caraeryn
Hey, got any grapes?
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Oh man, Jazmin Proehl does not know what she's getting into.
08:17 AM on 05/28/12
#9
jon.
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Such an awesome dude. Love these columns.
08:27 AM on 05/28/12
skibby15
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congrats on the smart phone
08:28 AM on 05/28/12
CarouselBoy
Not everything, not yet
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I love how Keith responds to the guy with the beard issue as if the issue was his wife
09:08 AM on 05/28/12
Thomas Nassiff
resuscitation of the year
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Stupid Peter Campbell.
09:22 AM on 05/28/12
johnnyferris
Inside of your heart always
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This is hilarious hahaha
09:50 AM on 05/28/12
Dirge07
...coitus?
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Second on A Serbian Film. Beautiful film with a great twist, too bad the trailer ruins it. Highly suggest renting it without looking up anything about it.
Lol it's "beautiful" alright...
09:50 AM on 05/28/12
tomtom94
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These are unbelievably awesome.
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