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From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 6/1

Posted by: Drew Beringer (06/04/12)
Three weeks into the gnarliest advice column ever, and the questions being received by Keith Buckley (Every Time I Die) keep getting better. Whether he gives you the answer you were hoping for is totally up to how much alcohol Keith's consumed that day. This week's batch of Q's and A's are the freshest yet. Enjoy them in the replies.
    
 
Displaying posts 1 - 15 of 35
11:15 AM on 06/04/12
#2
Drew Beringer
Senior Editor - @drewberinger - Locked Groove
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From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 6/1Dear Keith,
Do you feel like your band is responsible for a genre of shitty music? I love your band but i believe it started a shitty, shitty trend.

Thats like asking the guy who invented sex if he regrets it because some people give toothy blow jobs.

Hello Dr Buckley,
I'm a student of music and I hope to be a successful artist when I am older. What exercises or habits should a young writer or artist know about?

as someone who also hopes to be successful when i'm older, this is a little trick of the trade that i'm only willing to reveal to you and the 17 teenagers who look at this column- Kegel Exercises, my man. a good 45 minutes a day of sweaty, loud and very public Kegel Exercise

Keith,
i split up with my baby momma about 2 years ago. psycho just wasn't what i wanted to settle with and i figured there is really only room for one psycho in a relationship. unless its a orgy, but it wasn't. the problem is i started dating a new woman 3 years ago. I'm afraid when i make the commitment and what not that baby momma might start trying to fuck with us. i still want to see my kids though. what should i do?

any relationship involving kids is far more delicate than one without and this instance is especially sensitive because I fucking hate kids. So let me answer your question with a question- people who have kids and don’t HAVE to see them actually want to?!!? Like, even before they’re old enough to drive you to OTB because you have numerous DUI’s? Call me old fashioned but if I ever have kids, I really don’t plan on even naming them until they lose their virginity. glad i could help.

Hey Keith,
I have a problem! The lead singer of my band is pretty much the most attractive man i know of. The kind of attractive where young girls dissolve into tears; break into screaming fits and hysterics at the mere sight of him. So as with any band the bass player (myself) and the drummer are left with whatever Grool is left at the bottom of the barrel at the end of the night. Is there a way to change my fate as the fruitless bass player or will i forvever be over shadowed by my more attractive, less talented bandmates?

i think I'm the perfect guy to tackle this question as it is the exact reason my band has had 47 bass players and 2 drummers. the answer is that you will forever be overshadowed by your more attractive, less talented bandmates.
Dr. Keith
I always feel like chasing women older than me. Is that a weird fetish? I think of settling a lot but it might be weird because the time they might expect a child is a time I may want to be doing something else? Is it all transcribed in fate or should I really be chasing a college graduate while I am still in college myself? Should I actually speak to them about it? I think some help here might be useful.

just to clarify, you CHASE old women around and wonder whats going to happen when they want to have your kids? maybe you should pump the brakes a little and start off by scouring the MILF sections on Craigslist. As the acronym suggests, they are already mothers. they don't need any more children.

Keith,
How do I handle coworkers who use the same damn jokes every other breath and think its hilarious? Especially when it's the warehouselead?

People who work in warehouses are hysterical! Haven’t you seen the critically acclaimed and FOUR Prime Time Emmy Award winning American sitcom The Office??? If not, you could set him up with a twitter account, as that is where I go to try out “jokes” that are equal parts unfunny, repetitive and underdeveloped. It has worked miracles in truncating my habit of telling my thoughts to humans.

Dear Keith,
My fucking tooth hurts and it's late Friday. Can the good Dr. prescribe something?

Shit, sorry I just got into the office. i was scuba dipping in St. Kitts all weekend with my mistress and her 5 middle aged sons. You still having problems? Let me take a look

*peers into hot, grey, cavernous hole and brushes away visible stink lines*

*potato bug scurries from throbbing abscess*

get the fuck out of my office.
11:26 AM on 06/04/12
#3
surette
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The first question and its answer is my favorite.
11:30 AM on 06/04/12
#4
TenSpeed
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"Thats like asking the guy who invented sex if he regrets it because some people give toothy blow jobs."

gold. just gold.
11:36 AM on 06/04/12
#5
Holly HoX!
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Best one yet. And the first answer is straight cash homie.
11:37 AM on 06/04/12
#6
CastlesXClouds
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Love it hahaha
11:45 AM on 06/04/12
#7
ChaseTx
You know I like my chicken fried.
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What's OTB? On The Border?
11:49 AM on 06/04/12
#8
rollerman4221
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I wonder if people actualy email these questions, because if so, this is awesome.
11:50 AM on 06/04/12
#9
SoundwaveUproar
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amazing
11:52 AM on 06/04/12
Halpertwannabe
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If he actually watches The Office this man is my hero!
11:55 AM on 06/04/12
Kyle Thrash
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Best one yet for sure.
11:57 AM on 06/04/12
SmeezyBeezy
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that was a fun read.
11:59 AM on 06/04/12
ZachMadeMeOdd
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any relationship involving kids is far more delicate than one without and this instance is especially sensitive because I fucking hate kids. So let me answer your question with a question- people who have kids and don’t HAVE to see them actually want to?!!? Like, even before they’re old enough to drive you to OTB because you have numerous DUI’s? Call me old fashioned but if I ever have kids, I really don’t plan on even naming them until they lose their virginity. glad i could help.

Hilarious response. This might be one of the best parts of this site from now on.
12:06 PM on 06/04/12
skibby15
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love it
12:12 PM on 06/04/12
SuNDaYSTaR
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Toothy blow jobs eh?
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