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Jono Goes To The Movies #2: TED

Posted by - 12:08 PM on 07/03/12
Our good friend from The Swellers, drummer Jonathan Diener is back once again with his movie review column, appropriately titled "Jono Goes To The Movies." This time, Jono hits up Seth MacFarlane's new feature film, Ted, which stars Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. Can Jono be charmed by a talking teddy bear full of ribald humor, or did he frown the entire time? Head to the replies to read his hilarious insight.
Displaying posts 1 - 15 of 34
12:09 PM on 07/03/12
Jake Denning
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Jono Goes To The Movies #2: TedI would like to start out by saying I'm privileged to have three friends who are third shift janitors at the movie theater a few minutes away from my house. Not only can they pick up popcorn out of seats better than any of us normal people, but they also get me into movies for free once in a while. I remind them that professionally I have to write movie reviews for this humongous site that pays me incredibly well, Absolutepunk. I needed some ammunition to get that big pay check again and of all days, there was a midnight showing of Seth MacFarlane's new movie, Ted.

I put on my maroon t-shirt and khaki shorts to impress the locals, put on some cologne my friend Floyd left me when he had to head to the airport, and I made my way to the theater. Having been on tour for two months straight/not having cable, I was not aware of the buzz this movie was creating. The original midnight showing was sold out but luckily they opened another theater and we got some primo spots. The movie started and right away I started laughing. I was going into this thinking it would be like a fifteenth spin-off of all of Seth's Family Guy related shows and it would get redundant and old quickly. What I didn't expect was seeing the live action version of his vision mixed with a computer animated talking teddy bear would actually make it hilarious. It's raunchy and over the top. The furthest from politically correct. You even forget a main character is actually a teddy bear... well until you see him doing drugs and having sex, but that's neither here nor there.

The cast was great, and as expected a lot of familiar faces from Family Guy made an appearance. Instead of listing off all of the names, just imagine all of the voices from the show in human form. Other than Mila Kunis because Meg from Family Guy is the worst and Mila Kunis is a goddess. She's a caramel beauty sent from outer space with a raspy voice to make mean quiver and women get mad at their boyfriends for feeling all funny in their pants while watching the movie sitting next to them. Mark Wahlberg is hilarious as expected, like his other roles in movies such as Planet Of The Apes and Human Centipede 2. His BAHSTIN accent can be a bit much at times, but I think that's the point. Mahky Wahbahg is how you'd spell it I believe? Ask A Loss For Words, they can probably translate it for you.

This is also not a movie for little kids, based on the excessive amount of profanity, drug use, Giovanni Ribisi's mustache, and nudity. If you're familiar with the South Park episode that RUINED Family Guy for most people by pointing out almost all humorous parts are ONLY in the flash backs, you will probably brace yourself and grind your teeth waiting for them to happen like I did. There was only one stick out moment like that and I was OK with it. There are still the obscure references to actors/actresses I'm oblivious to, but I'm sure some people's grandparents were excited... I think Seth can do well in a movie setting and not completely overdo things like he does on his cartoons from time to time... well, considering he has 3 shows on Fox all about families with close to the exact same characters and some weird talking animal or alien. Come on man, we know you like money, but come onnnnnn man. You know? YOU KNOW?

So all in all, aside from it being a free movie, I really did enjoy myself. It was over the top and packed full of absurd/offensive jokes which resulted in a theater full of laughs. If you absolutely hate any part of Family Guy you will probably not like this. If you get easily offended, you will not like this. If you go into it with an open mind and don't have a phobia of talking stuffed animals, you will probably enjoy yourself.

I give the money a B. I would've given it a B+ but this guy next to me was chewing popcorn and it was driving me crazy. Why is popcorn the food they sell at movies? Yes, I love the sound of foam rubbing against someone's teeth. It sounds amazing. That's like James Bond eating a bag of Doritos on the job. You just don't do it. So yeah, it gets a B.

12:56 PM on 07/03/12
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brandon_260's Avatar
Movie had a few hilarious jokes, but as a whole, I was a little let down.
12:58 PM on 07/03/12
i'm stayin gold
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Ponyboy's Avatar
Popcorn is so overrated
01:05 PM on 07/03/12
Bright and Early
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JayBee420's Avatar
The movie was great, but the plot was just fucking terrible. lol
01:06 PM on 07/03/12
I'm a Mark, who thought I was a Tom
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Rysker6's Avatar
I've been whoring this movie for months.
01:14 PM on 07/03/12
Thomas Nassiff
retired staff member
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the movie was hilarious, you can't ask for much more. why evaluate the plot of a movie like this? haha
01:27 PM on 07/03/12
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phaynes1's Avatar
Movie had a few hilarious jokes, but as a whole, I was a little let down.
Shut your dirty, whorish mouth.
01:28 PM on 07/03/12
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brandon_260's Avatar
Shut your dirty, whorish mouth.
Kill myself
01:28 PM on 07/03/12
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the movie was hilarious, you can't ask for much more. why evaluate the plot of a movie like this? haha

And that kind of attitude is why shitty movies are allowed to be made. Yea it had funny moments but no matter what type of movie, a decent plot is appreciated. If I'm paying almost 11 bucks a movie then I can ask for more plot wise.
01:31 PM on 07/03/12
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cubsml34's Avatar
Do wanna see this. Love the AL4W reference haha.
01:35 PM on 07/03/12
Tertium Non Datur
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GeeBee's Avatar
Seth MacFarlane shouldn't voice any more characters. He's completely out of voices for them. They all either sound like a variation on Brian or Peter.
01:50 PM on 07/03/12
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-whisp-'s Avatar
Seth MacFarlane shouldn't voice any more characters. He's completely out of voices for them. They all either sound like a variation on Brian or Peter.

I agree but I love his voice/brians voice so I won't complain just yet.
02:09 PM on 07/03/12
No Closer To Heaven
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Jaytothesyg's Avatar
I enjoyed this movie, Got a lot of good laughs

The description of Mila Kunis is perfect hahah
02:17 PM on 07/03/12
Registered User
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