03:55 PM on 07/09/12
Jono Goes To The Movies #3: The Amazing SpidermanWelcome back to the self-proclaimed most popular section in AbsolutePunk history! Now that I'm home from tour I have plenty of time to see movies on a regular basis and with each review I do, I get a check for $500 from Jason Tate. He really is a great guy, sometimes I can't believe he's a millionaire then other times I think he's just an idea and doesn't actually exist. I mean, we've been through his hometown for six years and have I ever seen him? Nope. Maybe he's found some way to live in the internet like Tron? He probably sleeps in the Yellowcard chat room too.
Oh yeah, The Amazing Spiderman. Let me preface this (again) with letting you know how much I HATE SPIDERMAN 3. I was never a comic guy growing up, but I watched the shit out of the Spiderman cartoon as a kid, and I was a huge fan for most of my life. Then the first movie came out and it was OK, mainly because I was young. The second movie was decent but I expected it to be great after a boring origin film. Then the third. Jesus Christ. First of all, SANDMAN? REALLY? He was worth putting in?! Secondly, "EMO PETER PARKER" WAS THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO THE FILM INDUSTRY. Lastly, the COOLEST villain in Spiderman, Venom, was in it for about 20 seconds and was defeated. Venom should be the whole series. Green Goblin is a pussy. OK maybe I forgot this was a review of the new movie. Let's jump to the next paragraph, shall we? Ready... GO!
Welcome to the next paragraph! So this new movie, an awkwardly close to the end of the last film/reboot of the series, was starring guy from The Social Network's friend that Justin Timberlake screwed over who kinda looks like Rivers from Weezer when he gets angry. I THINK that's his name? But yeah, he was Spiderman. Emma Stone, the woman boys, girls and the older versions of both gush over, was playing Gwen Stacy. She looks great as a blonde, she has a strangely mature voice all of the time but it makes me feel like she should be my mom AS WELL as date me. I don't think that's strange, we wouldn't be blood relatives. She could adopt AND date me. GET OVER YOURSELF, MANNN. Denis Leary played Gwen Stacy's father, who HATES SPIDERMAN. We get it dude. There's a fucking green lizard exploding people but SPIDERMAN IS SWINGING AROUND OH GOD YOU BETTER CHASE HIM INSTEAD. The cast was light years better than the previous films and it was really interesting seeing them deal with Doc Connors for once, whose story was left out of the other movies. One time on Christmas Eve I put all of my X-Men action figures around the fire place with a note that asked for Spiderman action figures instead. The next morning I received more X-Men figures again, and I learned Santa Claus wasn't real. This is how much I enjoyed Lizard as a character... I think the point got across?
With any movie, there's some pretty hilarious flaws but then I remind myself that a dude is climbing fucking buildings because he got bit by a radioactive spider and a lizard man is running around sewers... so I quickly disregard them. To be honest, I am really sick of super hero movies having to retell the origin, we all had childhoods, we know. Maybe no one knew about Thor's past because who the fuck cares about Thor? Sorry for swearing. Actually my parents don't live with me anymore so I AM NOT (Sorry Mom). The origin this time is told from a completely different and more believable perspective, focusing on Peter's parents instead of leaving them a complete mystery. The biggest gripe most of my nerd friends had with the previous movies was Spiderman not having homemade web shooters and they miraculously just came out of his wrists. DON'T WORRY GUYS, IT'S OK NOW! Also Peter Parker is dope at skateboarding. I really should write novels with a transition like that. That's some Chuck Palahniuk (he based a book off of the movie Fight Club) shit right there.
So let's recap. I paid to see the movie and still enjoyed myself. It was an origin story so I was just reminded of the stuff I've heard over and over. The action and plot was actually decent. Was it better than the previous films? Obviously. Was it groundbreaking or come ANYWHERE near the Dark Knight series? Hell naw. It was enjoyable but not amazing by any means.
I think a C would be an appropriate rating if I had to give one. Or in text form I could write, "YOU REALLY THINK YOU'LL GET BETTER THAN A "C" WHEN THE DARK KNIGHT RISES COMES OUT THIS MONTH!?!?! COME ON."
04:02 PM on 07/09/12
the fucking dark knight rises. i get goosebumps thinking about it.
04:09 PM on 07/09/12
I give ASM an A- and TDKR obviously A+. Also this is the most ADD review ever...I loved it.
04:14 PM on 07/09/12
But you haven't seen The Dark Knight Rises yet, so how can you give it an A+? Just wondering...
04:15 PM on 07/09/12
No disrespect to Ben Affleck
Great read. Jono has a way with words and stuff.
04:15 PM on 07/09/12
I am definitely not real. Good review .. about how I thought. The last 3 Spider-Man movies sucking so bad made me happy this one was at least decent.
04:21 PM on 07/09/12
His actually summary of the movie was spot on with what I think.
04:23 PM on 07/09/12
No disrespect to Ben Affleck
Feel like my avatar is making me THAT guy hmmmm
04:36 PM on 07/09/12
I could rant about my hate for this movie for days. Literal days.
04:39 PM on 07/09/12
Hahaha true, just wanted to say it before the flood of praises to come.
04:40 PM on 07/09/12
Really have no interest in seeing this with TDKR and the Avengers coming out this year, but a hilarious review nonetheless
05:08 PM on 07/09/12
that description of emma stone was spot on especially.
05:15 PM on 07/09/12
when I think I am, I'm not
This review was hilarious. I'd have given it a B-, though.
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