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From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 7/20

Posted by: Drew Beringer (07/20/12)
So yeah, we realized that you all have gone without your Dr. Keith Buckley (Every Time I Die) fix all week. Don't worry though, we'll feed you, baby birds! It's betterl later than never, and I'd try to explain why it took so long, but I figured the doctor himself would do a better job of that:
Message from Dr. Keithhey im really sorry this was so late. between being in canada (no internet), two days at home (no time/too much partying) and hurricance conditions which almost shut down 2 warped dates (resulting in no internet again) its just been a nightmare trying to get anything done. to make light of my truancy, i blamed you guys. haha.

So without further ado, here is this week's batch. As always, these are real questions from real users. If you want a question to be answered by the good doctor, email him here.
      
 
Displaying posts 1 - 15 of 34.
12:19 PM on 07/20/12
#2
Drew Beringer
Senior Editor | @drewberinger | Locked Groove
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From the Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 7/20Dear Customer,
We need your help resolving an issue with your account. To give us time to
work together on this, we've temporarily limited what you can do with your
account until the issue is resolved. We understand it may be frustrating not to have full access to your account. We want to work with you to get your account back to normal as
quickly as possible. What's the problem? We need a little bit more information about you to help confirm your
identity.
Thank you.

Anyone wondering why this weeks advice column is a bit late? GET OFF YOUR ASS TATE AND BERINGER!! Actually, “Tate and Beringer“ sounds like one hell of a cop team. I can be the salty old lieutenant who has had just about enough of their shit ever since the drug warehouse they were staking out went up in flames because Tate fell asleep while cooking a hot dog on the engine of his Ford that was parked behind the dumpster. Jason? Drew? Can we move forward with this? I know Charles Barkly. He might have connections to Hollywood.

Dear Dr. Buckley,
I just flew to Kansas City from Washington D.C. I have been on planes before, but every time I do I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I am in a metal bird that is flying at an outrageous speed at an outrageous height. I get sick and want to bash my head against the wall of the plane until my skull cracks open. I have to fly back on Tuesday. What can I do on the flight to take my mind of of this?

If your mind is blown at the fact that you’re in a metal tube tens of thousands of feet above sea level, just put your situation into a context that makes it less fearful. For instance, we are on a ball of rock that travels almost 70,000 miles an hour around a star that burns, on its surface, at a temperature of 9900 degrees Farenheit. If that’s not enough, our planet AND that star are being hurled through infinite darkness as a speed of 600 kilometers per second. Oh, and one day that star will explode and erase every trace of our existence. Have a safe flight.

Hey Doc,
I think it was Vonnegut who was a famous opponent of semicolons but I think they're quite useful as they provide a nuanced cadence to sentiments. What are your thoughts?

I have never had a use for them and yet nor has anyone I know but yet I find myself wishing I knew when to apply them or not for it might be helpful in my writing.

Dear Dr. keith
where do squirrels go during Hurricanes?

Did google suggest this question when you typed in “where do”? the answer is in trees (I know because I eat them and hurricane season is like a veritable buffet. I simply wait for the 70 mile an hour winds, climb an old oak, then “catch em in the bag and smack em with a hammer”). However, more important than the actual answer is what else pops up when you type a few key words into google. For instance, try “how can I tell..” or “what smells” and have a good hearty laugh before going to youtube and looking up “greatest fight scenes in movie history”.

Dr. Keith,
Long story short. Dated this girl for years up until I graduated college and moved away. She's dating a new guy now but whenever we talk every once a 4 months it seems like she drops me hints and on top of that moved to the same city as I'm in. Should I be a douche and try to get her back from this other dude, just forget about her and act as cool as possible, or send her a message with the "i wish you and him the best" feel?

Being respectful of space and the feelings of others has never helped anyone get what they want. I don’t recommend you surprise her by moving to her city unannounced (although it DID work for Jim Careys character in Dumb and Dumber) but if you talk to her every 4 months, that means that for 3 months and 29 days she’s thinking about you. Test the water first. Send her a picture of your prick with sunglasses resting on it. if shes offended, tell her you were “just kidding” then immediately send the emoticon where the smiley face has one eye closed and is sticking its tongue out. If shes NOT offended, the chase begins…
12:34 PM on 07/20/12
#3
Jake Denning
@Jake_Denning
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Semicolons are awesome.
12:37 PM on 07/20/12
#4
Chuck!
treat yo self
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I hope this feature never ends
12:48 PM on 07/20/12
#5
TheRealJohnOC
I've seen 701 bands/artists live
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Great National Lampoons Christmas Vacation reference!!!
12:48 PM on 07/20/12
#6
Dustin Harkins
Go support Kony 2012 some more
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Quote:
if shes offended, tell her you were “just kidding” then immediately send the emoticon where the smiley face has one eye closed and is sticking its tongue out.

See, Keith? That's how you properly use semicolons.
12:58 PM on 07/20/12
#7
k1guitar
Keep calm and BLEGH!
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i want a shitty pic of jason and drew's head pasted over a cop car
01:09 PM on 07/20/12
#8
seanthethief
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Oh, and one day that star will explode and erase every trace of our existence. Have a safe flight.
absolutely amazing.
01:17 PM on 07/20/12
#9
raptorz44
One Who Gets Away/NJ Success Story
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Quote:
I can be the salty old lieutenant who has had just about enough of their shit ever since the drug warehouse they were staking out went up in flames because Tate fell asleep while cooking a hot dog on the engine of his Ford that was parked behind the dumpster.

This is amazing.
01:24 PM on 07/20/12
get up kidd
I refuse to sink
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Best one yet
01:28 PM on 07/20/12
Holly HoX!
*
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That last one..

Hahahahahaha
01:42 PM on 07/20/12
Kobrakai09
Yeah, this is love.
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All so good. Never stop this.
01:44 PM on 07/20/12
WhitefalconTLE
Regular Member
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the chase begins Best part of this website lately
02:25 PM on 07/20/12
Austin Davis
god damn, this just feels right
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See, Keith? That's how you properly use semicolons.

There are no semicolons in that sentence...
02:27 PM on 07/20/12
Dustin Harkins
Go support Kony 2012 some more
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There are no semicolons in that sentence...
The emoticon involves using a semicolon...
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