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09:31 AM on 08/21/12
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Drew Beringer
Senior Editor | @drewberinger | Locked Groove
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From The Office of Dr. Keith: 8/21Keith,
My girlfriend stopped going down on me and refuses to until I shave my pubes. I think they're fine, and really don't want to go through the chore of shaving them again. What would you say is the acceptable pubic hair length? And is there a way to rid of them without the pain and hassle of shaving?

If shaving any part of your body causes you pain, are you sure you know how to shave? Its not supposed to hurt at all. Hair doesn’t have any nerves in it. are you ripping the hair out in fistfuls and calling it “shaving”? sounds like your dad may have played a really cruel but awesome prank on you when you were coming of age, one that I intend to now use on my son when I have one. either way, 2-3 feet is an appropriate length for pubes. Once you trim em back to that length, you can kindly remind your lady that it ain’t gonna suck itself.

Dr. Keith,
Seeing has you've had the privilege of getting drunk and partying in various countries across the world, I thought of no better person to seek advice from. A few of my buddies and I are planning to backpack Europe for a month in the summer of 2014. We've agreed to leave any significant others behind in the States while we get real weird over in Europe. For a group of college dudes strapped for cash, which cities (or even specific places in them) would you recommend stopping by?

I know that Prague has gotten a lot of heat lately because of the Randy Blythe fiasco but it has always been one of my favorite cities in Europe. The architecture and the design and the bars and the people make you feel like you’re involuntarily starring in a psychological thriller. Vienna is great for sightseeing and for reminding you that you will never be great at anything music related in the way that the greats were great. The people working at the 7-11 at 3am in Oslo are more attractive than anybody you could imagine creating with a computer in the 80’s after watching Weird Science, but I would wait until the winter to go there. Amsterdam is nothing but wasted people NOT from Amsterdam and Madrid will make you forget there are any other cities in the world. Honestly though, your best bet is just to go to London and get shit housed for a week straight. I know its not “technically” Europe, but take the ferry. Its worth it.

To Keith,
Bros before hoes? Also, what are your thoughts on The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

If I referred to anyone in life as my “bro” OR my “hoe” I think I would need to reevaluate a few things. Secondly, I liked the book a lot. After reading Dirk Gently and Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul I’m fully convinced that Douglas Adams was perpetually in a dream like state. The stories he told sound like the things people say when they’re talking in their sleep. You know what I liked more than the Hitchhikers book though? The PC game that had no images and all you could do was type in commands. It took me like 4 weeks to get the dude out of his bedroom.

Hey Keith,
It's super cool you're taking emails and shit now. I was wondering what your philosophy of life is, and who some of your favorite philosophers are. I'm also very curious to know if you've ever read anything Friedrich Nietzsche or his friends have written.

I will carefully write up my philosophy of life once its over and while I have not read much Nietzsche, I do follow him on twitter and he seems like a pretty profound dude.

Dear Keith,
My father passed away in April and since then, I have felt extremely lost. Every day things seem so tedious and just hard to deal with. I know emotionally and mentally, I've never been in a good place even as a kid. My mom and siblings are all I have left, but for the most part I can't talk to them about anything. The thought of talking to strangers isn't easy either (here no one knows me or can see me, so that's not even an issue). I always put on this tough demeanor, but I can't do it anymore. In the same aspect, I don't know how to let that guard down. I just feel so stuck and don't even know how to go about asking for help.

Again, things like this are out of my area of expertise (which is limited to telling you exactly what will happen on COPS reruns just by seeing the city skyline) but I would highly recommend seeking professional help. Listening is a science and you realize that when you find someone who professionally listens to. It is life altering. I’m sorry for your loss. If its any consolation, Workaholics is on Netflix. Laughing helps.

Dear Dr. Buckley,
Everybody hates me and I hate everybody. Consequently, I have no friends. I was wondering if you had any advice on how to change this, or if perhaps you believe this to be healthy?

I think it’s a fairly normal thing. You know who else had no friends? Isaac Newton and he invented apples and gravity and facilitated a meaningful relationship between the two of them without the slightest understanding of how relationships even work.
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