AbsolutePunk.net
   Username
Password
 
Share
04:21 PM on 09/12/12 
#1
Offline
User Info.
bobcatbob18
Hang your secrets
bobcatbob18's Avatar
Chicago, Il
Male - 27 Years Old
How do you get over someone holding your past against you?

Long story short:
For the first year of my current relationship I lied to my girlfriend about things (when she was out of town I would get drunk, smoke, spend too money etc.). She always found out and we fought about it like you would expect when someone finds out they've been lied to by someone they love. After her putting up with it for so long and me seeing what it's done to us, I finally stopped that behavior and have become honest and made sure that she knew what was going on when she wasn't around so there were no questions. I've been going strong for several months now and have even been seeing a therapist to share my feelings with. I feel like I'm in a much better place.

My dilemma now is that whenever we know we won't be around each other, the past I'm ashamed of gets brought up and it hurts. She says she can't trust me and I know in my heart it's my fault the trust isn't 100%. We fight and I get guilt tripped ("This will be just like when I left the country", "You'll lie to me again" etc) I know it's not easy for her but I sometimes feel like I can't do anything without her blessing and to me that's not how an adult relationship should work. So my question remains: how do you get over someone holding your past against you?
05:02 PM on 09/12/12 
#2
Offline
User Info.
Alex26
Regular Member
Alex26's Avatar
You don't have to get over it, she does. If she knows you've stopped and are trying to be better, and she has accepted an apology from you, then that is in the past. She should not be bringing up past arguments or problems in new ones. The issue of you lying has been dealt with right? Her bringing it up is being childish. Now obviously she's going to be a little doubting of your trust, but that takes time to build up. Talk to her, tell you that you are no longer doing that and that you feel really bad about it. Tell her if you haven't already. If you genuinely feel bad about it, tell her that and that it makes you feel bad when she brings it up and she should understand and not bring it up any more. Good luck!
05:02 PM on 09/12/12 
#3
Offline
User Info.
chickmgnt478
Registered User
No Avatar Selected
Male - 27 Years Old
Sometimes the damage is done and cant be repaired. As ive gotten older ive learned that forgiveness is an amazing thing but it takes alot for one person to be able to do. It seems like you did not cheat on her, at least with another person. Everyone slips up whether it be drinking/smoking etc. I would say just keep staying on the right path. As long as your doing the right thing then thats all you can do. You cant change people and if time goes on and she still feels the same way. it might be time to cut the ties.
05:41 PM on 09/12/12 
#4
Offline
User Info.
incognitojones
http://auburn-hills.tumblr.com
incognitojones's Avatar
Time. You lied to her for like a year, you gotta be totally honest with her for at least that long.
06:05 PM on 09/12/12 
#5
Offline
User Info.
BlinkAvAfan21
She calls it a mayonegg.
BlinkAvAfan21's Avatar
Male - 22 Years Old
You're 26, if you want to get drunk and smoke, why can't you?
07:21 PM on 09/12/12 
#6
Offline
User Info.
entrailable
Registered User
entrailable's Avatar
Time. You lied to her for like a year, you gotta be totally honest with her for at least that long.
Best answer.

You're 26, if you want to get drunk and smoke, why can't you?
I don't know if age comes into play here. If it were his parents or something, it would factor in, but I would say most girls have a problem with guys who drink and smoke a lot. Which is why I only date girls who drink and smoke.
07:30 PM on 09/12/12 
#7
Offline
User Info.
Kassie09
in the empire business
Kassie09's Avatar
Pittsburgh, PA
Female - 23 Years Old
If she keeps bringing it up, she's not over it. I pulled the same shit with my ex. He fucked up once in our relationship and I decided to give him another chance. However, I would bring up what had happened a lot and tell him I didn't know if I could trust him over and over again. Ultimately, it led to our downfall. I have learned this -- If you decide to get back together with someone after they do something wrong to you, you can't bring it up over and over again. If you're deciding to live with the mistake, move on and stop bringing it up or it's never going to work out.

There's really nothing you can do to get her trust back, time helps. Even time apart might help for her evaluate if she REALLY can accept what happened with you two.
09:09 PM on 09/12/12 
#8
Offline
User Info.
bobcatbob18
Hang your secrets
bobcatbob18's Avatar
Chicago, Il
Male - 27 Years Old
You don't have to get over it, she does. If she knows you've stopped and are trying to be better, and she has accepted an apology from you, then that is in the past. She should not be bringing up past arguments or problems in new ones. The issue of you lying has been dealt with right? Her bringing it up is being childish. Now obviously she's going to be a little doubting of your trust, but that takes time to build up. Talk to her, tell you that you are no longer doing that and that you feel really bad about it. Tell her if you haven't already. If you genuinely feel bad about it, tell her that and that it makes you feel bad when she brings it up and she should understand and not bring it up any more. Good luck!

I agree that to keep bringing it up after the fact is ridiculous. Everyone I've talked to (including my thearapist) says it does more damage than good.

Sometimes the damage is done and cant be repaired. As ive gotten older ive learned that forgiveness is an amazing thing but it takes alot for one person to be able to do. It seems like you did not cheat on her, at least with another person. Everyone slips up whether it be drinking/smoking etc. I would say just keep staying on the right path. As long as your doing the right thing then thats all you can do. You cant change people and if time goes on and she still feels the same way. it might be time to cut the ties.

No cheating whatsoever. Just letting my older party life I led before I met her resurface.

Time. You lied to her for like a year, you gotta be totally honest with her for at least that long.

Time is definitely the TRUE answer. I just hope we don't drive each other crazy in the process.

You're 26, if you want to get drunk and smoke, why can't you?

The guy answered you haha.

I don't know if age comes into play here. If it were his parents or something, it would factor in, but I would say most girls have a problem with guys who drink and smoke a lot. Which is why I only date girls who drink and smoke.

If she keeps bringing it up, she's not over it. I pulled the same shit with my ex. He fucked up once in our relationship and I decided to give him another chance. However, I would bring up what had happened a lot and tell him I didn't know if I could trust him over and over again. Ultimately, it led to our downfall. I have learned this -- If you decide to get back together with someone after they do something wrong to you, you can't bring it up over and over again. If you're deciding to live with the mistake, move on and stop bringing it up or it's never going to work out.

There's really nothing you can do to get her trust back, time helps. Even time apart might help for her evaluate if she REALLY can accept what happened with you two.

I strongly believe in letting a sleeping dog lie. The past cannot possibly be changed, whether that's a good or bad thing. It's something she struggles with more than I because ultimately I choose my actions. She seems to think I don't want to be reminded of the truth because I want to "forget about it". Obviously I have not forgotten, I just don't see what bringing it up and fighting about it accomplishes. It does way more harm than good. I already feel guilty, I don't need the added drama.

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME FOR RESPONDING!! Thanks a ton.
09:39 PM on 09/12/12 
#9
Offline
User Info.
allthewaysaid
Have a feeling I'll die in my20s...
allthewaysaid's Avatar
Texas
Male - 22 Years Old
Oral, is the solution to everything. She wants it. Give it to her. Hard. Twice. In public. In front of an audience. Record it. Release it as a sex tape. Come up with a clothing line. Get a reality TV show. Date only people of color. You'll eventually get to meet Kanye West, fuck bitches get money.
10:05 PM on 09/12/12 
Offline
User Info.
leftapart
Registered User
leftapart's Avatar
Bay Area, CA
Male
The past should stay dead... LAWL!!!
05:45 AM on 09/13/12 
Offline
User Info.
BlinkAvAfan21
She calls it a mayonegg.
BlinkAvAfan21's Avatar
Male - 22 Years Old
Best answer.


I don't know if age comes into play here. If it were his parents or something, it would factor in, but I would say most girls have a problem with guys who drink and smoke a lot. Which is why I only date girls who drink and smoke.

Well, then I guess 26 year old girls where I live don't have the same mentality.
06:56 AM on 09/13/12 
Offline
User Info.
bobcatbob18
Hang your secrets
bobcatbob18's Avatar
Chicago, Il
Male - 27 Years Old
Well, then I guess 26 year old girls where I live don't have the same mentality.

My girl isn't much of a drinker or a smoker, so she definitely doesn't like it. She doesn't mind moderation but in the past when she wasn't around I would overdo it.
07:21 AM on 09/13/12 
Offline
User Info.
tommylin
Regular Member
No Avatar Selected
Boston, MA
Male - 22 Years Old
id say just let it go. by holding on to that feeling your only hurting yourself and potentially others.
08:39 AM on 09/13/12 
Offline
User Info.
aboyandhiscurse
praise the sun
aboyandhiscurse's Avatar
unfortunately, nj
Male - 23 Years Old
hakuna matata bro.
08:46 AM on 09/13/12 
Offline
User Info.
RyanPm40
Ryan
RyanPm40's Avatar
NH
Male - 21 Years Old
Time is definitely important for trust. It is a earned thing that can take awhile. I can understand her lack of trust for sure, and I don't blame her for it. However, her bringing it up every time probably isn't going to help much.

Honestly, I can see the issues with both sides, but you're just going to have to grin and bear it or just have a sit down with her and just explain that you are trying your best, and while you don't blame her for needing time to regain trust, she needs to stop with the negative comments, at least until you fuck up again.

Maybe if you tell her that you can call or text her at certain times to just let her know you aren't fucking around?

Or, Hell, talk to your therapist. Maybe he'd think it'd be a good idea for her to come in for a session or two with you just so you guys can share your feelings on the subject and he can help mediate a solution for you guys.



NEWS, MUSIC & MORE
Search News
Release Dates
Exclusives
Best New Music
Articles
CONNECT
Submit News
Forums
Contests
Mobile Version
AP.net Logos
HIDDEN TREASURES
AbsolutePunk Podcast
Free Music
Sports Forum
Technology Forum
Recommendations
INFORMATION
Advertising
Contact Us
Copyright Policy
Terms of Service
Privacy Policy
FOLLOW
Twitter | Facebook | RSS
PropertyOfZack
UnderTheGun
Purevolume
Chorus.fm | @jason_tate