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10:51 AM on 09/24/12
Drew Beringer
Senior Editor - @drewberinger - Locked Groove
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From The Office of Dr. Keith: 9/24Hey Dr.Keith
I'm an avid book reader. But my interests reside in fantasy fiction stories. I'm looking to broaden my genres; what is your favourite book and genre and why?

My favorite genre has very recently shifted from Historical Fiction to the field of Erotic E-books. 10 years ago it would have been not only embarrassing but unlawful to read a lurid tale at a park bench near a playground. Today, thanks to The Kindle E-Reader, I can privately and carnally indulge in all 50 Shades of Grey wherever my erection leads me like its some sinful divining rod and the public is none the wiser.

Dr. Keith,
What's your absolute favourite song to play live and why?

This is the second question in a row that has a crammed a “U” into the word “favorite”. I typically don’t cotton to such commie bullshit but seeing as how the questions this week are few in number I really don’t have much of a choice. My favorite song to perform live has been, for years, Wham’s “Careless Whisper” but it really depends on what time of night its performed. Usually the bar patrons respond more strongly when its done just before the place closes but at that time of night I cant promise that my heart will be in it 100%. Any song by Blessed Union of Souls is a crowd pleaser (though it DOES get weird when he sings the n-word) and Blackstreets “No Diggity” is an indisputable hit. Obviously, I’m a romantic so next week I plan to try a Bone Thugs classic.

Dear Doc,
I was wondering if you had any advice for dealing with an annoying English professor who you can't stand?

Try doing what my students used to do to me- pants him as he passes you in the aisle, then find out where he lives, take his girlfriend on a beautiful date, get her to fall in love with you, spend his money that he put into her account and spray paint the word “uterus” on the side of his Honda Civic.

Hi Doc,
How do you feel about the youth's recent fascination and bizarre (and kind of unhealthy) obsession with mustaches? Where do you think this is stemming from? I'd bet an exorbitant amount these young ones wouldn't know Burt Reynolds from Sam Elliot. So, why this mustache fixation?

It stems from a human desire to make a statement, and while this most recent fad is moustache growing, its just a different manifestation of the same psychological urge. The more extreme your willingness to steer off the beaten path, the more seriously you will be taken by the counter culture. has there been a path more beaten than the one between a penus and vujyna? It is a primal urge and it underlies everything humans do. if you can divert from it, you are truly your own person. So what better way to broadcast that you are your own sexually disinterested youth and you refuse to be driven by such mainstream internal chemicals than by growing a moustache like the thousands of other dudes who are patting themselves on the back just like you?

What is your favorite brand of beer?

To me, beer is like music. There are certain kinds I enjoy only at certain times of day while doing specific kinds of things. In my opinion, nothing is better than a Guinness while showering. Newcastle is a perfect mid-workout drink and Molson XXX tastes best while in court. If my wife and I decide to take a relaxing weekend ride into the country, nothing makes me happier than sitting in the back seat and enjoying a cold, crisp shotgun of Miller High Life while she drives but if I’m doing something a bit more active like Karate with my 2nd cousin near the swamp behind his house then its Shock Top all the way.

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