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07:37 AM on 11/18/12
#1
CrashThisCar789
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A guy from Appalachia is arrested for bestiality. He goes to his friend to ask for help in getting a lawyer. The friend says, "Well, I know two lawyers - the first one is slick as hell, and the second one knows how to pick a jury." The guy decides to hire the attorney who can pick a jury.
The defendant is up on the witness stand being questioned by the prosecutor. "So, Clem, isn't it a fact that on the day in question, you had sexual intercourse with a goat, and when the officers arrived on the scene, the goat was licking off your genitals?"
One juror was overheard whispering to another, "A good goat'll do that."
07:50 AM on 11/18/12
#2
CrashThisCar789
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So this Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of Guinness. The bartender pours his beers and then watches as the Irishman lines them up left-to-right before proceeding to drink them. While not completely absurd, the bartender did see this as somewhat peculiar.
The next day, the same Irishman walks into the same bar and orders the same thing; three pints of Guinness, left-to-right. He drinks them all, and continues this ritual every day.
After about a week, the bartender asks the Irishman, "So what's up with the three pints of Guinness every day?" To which the Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers and they're both back home in Ireland. I miss them terribly. Every night we would go out to our favorite pub and drink Guinness together. Now that I'm in America, I don't get to see them. So, I like to find a bar, order three pints of Guinness, line 'em up, and drink them like I did with my brothers when we were lads."
The bartender thinks that this is a very thoughtful gesture, and allows the Irishman to enjoy the rest of his evening.
One day, the Irishman sits down and orders two pints of Guinness. The bartender takes immediate notice and gets worried. He asks the Irishman, "What's wrong? You only ordered two tonight. Did something happen to one of your brothers?" The Irishman replied, "No, no, they're fine. I just quit drinking."

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