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11:42 AM on 04/10/13 
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Steve Alcala
"Counting Fish"
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I can't cry. I let it out a bit more yesterday when talking to my sister about him but I feel guilty for not crying. I love him and he cared a lot about me. We were not quite as close in the last few years because I was ashamed of my thoughts (the stuff I post about here) and depressed so I distanced myself from everyone. That was a huge mistake. I wish we could have spent more time together. Fuck, FUCK. I feel empty and it's fucking bizarre to think that he's gone.

You'll make yourself sick if you dwell on the thought that you could have changed things or things could've been different. From the way you describe it, it's very evident that your father loved you and that you love him. That's what it comes down to and that's all that matters.

I'm sorry for your loss.
12:58 PM on 04/10/13 
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jasonisasleep
Regular Member
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Seattle, WA
Male
lost my dad when i was 11 (20 years ago) and i still find myself tearing up and missing him frequently. i do things and experience points in my life that i think "if only my dad could see this/be here now". that hasn't changed throughout the years, but the one thing time does change is the way i look at and feel about this type of experience. i can smile now when i think my dad should be there as if his spirit is living through my experience, and somehow he doesn't miss it because of me. hopefully one day you are able to look at it the same way...it definitely helps.
03:45 PM on 04/10/13 
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RyanPm40
Ryan
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NH
Male - 21 Years Old
I'm really sorry for your loss, man. I can't even imagine how I would cope with the loss of one or both of my parents. I don't know much more to say other than what has already been posted (great job, guys, really kind words), but I hope you're able to find peace with this eventually. Just remember there's nothing wrong with being sad and to spend time with as many loved ones as you can for support.
08:00 PM on 04/10/13 
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barkjon
belle and me
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Seattle, WA
Male - 17 Years Old
I'm so sorry. I don't know you and I don't know what it's like to lose someone that close to you, but I am so sorry. Hang in there, man.
12:00 AM on 04/11/13 
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TK
Abstract Thinker
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Oklahoma
Male - 23 Years Old
I can't cry. I let it out a bit more yesterday when talking to my sister about him but I feel guilty for not crying. I love him and he cared a lot about me. We were not quite as close in the last few years because I was ashamed of my thoughts (the stuff I post about here) and depressed so I distanced myself from everyone. That was a huge mistake. I wish we could have spent more time together. Fuck, FUCK. I feel empty and it's fucking bizarre to think that he's gone.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Guilt/regret is the worse feeling to let yourself get attached to and if you don't let go of it, it'll sink you. I lost someone I loved in November to suicide (so I feel it's similar to the suddenness), and I felt so guilty over it that it nearly drove me over the edge. Even now I still have random moments that cause me to break a little bit, but I think the best thing to do is to make sure you don't hold it in. Talk to someone about it, especially if you're feeling down/guilty/ashamed. Losing a parent is an unbelievable loss and one of the worst.

It's impossible to feel completely whole again, but after a while you'll adjust and things will be okay. Just think about what your dad would want and just keep going. Things will get better.
05:36 PM on 04/13/13 
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FstFtsVsFences
High Risk 401k? Fuck that.
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San Jose, CA
Male - 28 Years Old
That is absolutely fucking terrible. I've seen you post here and there around the forum, so my heart truly goes out to you for what it's worth. I understand that no one can understand what you're going through regardless of whether we've lost a parent too (lost my mom when I was 21), but do trust in love. The love you two have (and STILL share) is something no one (and no amount of time) can EVER take away.
09:18 PM on 04/13/13 
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Zach Cool
shitsville.
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California
Genderfuck
My condolences mate. I shudder at the thought of any of my close family members dying, though I constantly remind myself that the next death in the family is for sure coming, all in order to help keep myself appreciating everyone and treating them like I feel I should. Just do what you can to honor your father and keep his spirit afloat in this world through mourning and try to make his final services as memorable as you can. You will get all your tears out when you do, don't worry. Try to make up any time you feel you missed with your father by spending time with other family members you may feel the same way about, and do it in honor of him.
01:42 PM on 04/14/13 
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s2s2
Registered User
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Sorry to hear that gfxtwin. Your father loved you. Remember all of the good times you've had together.
08:50 PM on 04/15/13 
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mrgenious
the sugary smell of spring time
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Missouri
Male - 22 Years Old
my sister died two years ago this June. it gets easier as time passes, I promise. but it still fucking sucks. there's nothing like losing someone who has truly been there with you your whole life.
04:18 PM on 04/18/13 
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TangledUp
crazy cat lady
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Arizona
Female
He died in surgery. When I heard the news my first reaction was disbelief and anger. When I saw his body I started bawling. A couple hours later and now I feel completely empty. I can't cry. I feel a lot of weight in my chest but I can't cry. He was a good father. He loved me. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that he's gone. It seems like I'm going to see him tomorrow. Like we're going to see another movie at the theater. Don't feel like typing any more right now.

Nothing I could say will help at ALL, so I won't try. But I'm 27 so I can imagine how devastated I would be. I am so sorry for your tragic loss. Listen to music, watch your favorite show, do anything you can to self medicate and distract yourself from your broken heart as much as you can. I hope somehow this experience will make you stronger. Try to remember, as difficult as it is, that your dad would want you to move on and drown with grief. Try as hard as you can to be strong for him.



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