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01:26 PM on 05/03/13
#2
Thomas Nassiff
resuscitation of the year
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By Nick MangoI've been collecting vinyl for nearly 20 years, so you can trust me when I tell you that anyone who says they buy vinyl over digital because it sounds "warmer" or "fuller" or "thicker" or some other bullshit adjective that has absolutely nothing to do with music is lying directly through their American Spirit-stained teeth.

THE WORLD IS BUYING VINYL BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING COOL!

These articles where reporters try to get their "investigatory" groove on, and dig deep into the reasoning behind this near decade-long resurgence of vinyl, are flat out killing me. I don't know what it is about the media microphone, but when it's put in front of a vinyl buyer's face, it alters their brain and turns them into some eclectic sound quality maverick, out to prove that they love music more than the next dude that listens to their favorite albums on an iPod.

HEY BRO, I LISTEN TO MY FAVORITE ALBUMS ON AN IPOD!

You don't have to worry about sounding superficial. When the reporter asks you, "So why pay 20 bucks for a piece of plastic, when the digital version is available for one third the price?" I give you permission to say, "Hey dick, why do people pay $80 to have a crocodile on their shirt? Cause that little dude has style!"

Vinyl has style. It's got history. It's got potential. It's not just music. It's a physical representation of music. When you hold the vinyl version of an album you love in your hand, you feel like you're closer to the album. You feel like you're supporting the album. You feel like you're supporting the band. You feel like you know something that some other poor schmuck doesn't.

Some people go to shows and raise their index finger. Some people follow bands on tour. Some people get tattoos. Some people stalk. Some people get restraining orders. But the easiest (and safest) way to show you love a particular band is buying vinyl. It occupies space in your room. It's displayed proudly. It's says, "Yeah I listen to Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill. So what of it!?"

Now there's going to be some people who think I'm an asshole. Some people out there are saying, "When I drop that needle on a record, the sound that comes out makes my heart whisper sweet nothings into the ear of every lover I've ever lost. I hate you for taking that away from me." *runs from room* "MMMMOOOMMMMMM!!!!! Where did you put my acoustic guitar?!" Well I'm sorry about that. I'm not here to be delicate. I'm not here to be kind. I'm here to put an end to this shit. And here's how we're going to do it...

The next time someone tells you that the sound of vinyl is like angels speaking the word of god directly into their soul, respond with this:

Do you own record cleaning equipment? Cause I heard that if you don't clean your vinyl, dust builds up in the grooves and over time it ruins your needle. And if you don't own record cleaning equipment, when was the last time you changed the needle on your turntable? Cause I heard that if you don't replace a needle after a few hundred hours of playback, you could do serious damage to your records. Speaking of damaging records, does your tone arm have a weight on it? Cause I heard that the only way to listen to vinyl properly is by adjusting the weight on the tone arm, so it rides the grooves perfectly. And if it's pressing too hard or not pressing enough, you're likely missing a huge range of hertz. Hmmm speaking of range...The full range of a human ear is like 20 hz to 20 Khz, (if you're still young and haven't gone to too many Spazz shows), and I heard that CDs were made specifically to fill that range. Wow, you must have some superhuman hearing I guess. Especially to hear the music over all that cracking and popping, because I heard that a good turntable, one that can play a record at a really high fidelity, without all that cracking and popping, weighs like 60 pounds, is made out of a solid slab of aluminum, and cost thousands of dollars. Do you have one of those? Can I listen to it? I heard you need an amplifier to get great sound. I heard you need speakers mounted at ear height. I bet you must have one of those listening stations, so the speakers are perfectly angled to your superhuman ears. You must be a genius. Is it true that when you're listening to The White Stripes' self-titled on vinyl, with your $20,000 listening station, your skin turns to diamonds like those dudes from Twilight?

People, I'm going to say it one more time: Vinyl is about being closer to the music. If anyone tells you different, call these fuckers out because they're ruining a culture that I've loved for more than half my life.
02:17 PM on 05/03/13
#3
Thomas Nassiff
resuscitation of the year
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I have invested a fair amount of money into acquiring a nice-sounding system, but yeah...I mainly buy records because I think they're cool and I like to collect. Reading this hit home for me.
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