Male - 28 Years Old
Gather 'round children, as I weave a tale so terrible it will instill fear in the hearts and minds of men (and possibly women) all over AbsolutePunk. It is I, AnAmericanGod, and I have returned from my brief hiatus to enlighten the community about the recent exploits of a long, lost friend. A national treasure. A living legend. The Holy Grail.
Nearly a month ago I received a message via AIM. I did not know this girl. She introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Amelia, I'm on AP but you probably don't know who I am." Oh if I only knew then what I know now. No Amelia, no, I most certainly did not know who you were. The conversation came easy and was quite enjoyable. Cute girl, brunette. Nice tits. Pretty pretty face. The kind of girl you could take home to mom, have Christmas dinner with, and then sneak off into the back and fuck her brains out. Twice.
Oh, what's that? That was your secret fantasy you told me about? To have sex in a house full of guests while everyone is enjoying Christmas dinner? Cool, let me see if I have any travel plans for Winter Break baby.
You had substance, too. You were a Criminal Justice/Political Science dual major. Hey, me too! Kewl beans! You recently became the legal guardian of your sister's two 7 month old twins. She died shortly after giving birth, and the father is a deadbeat. Shitty situation. I admired your responsibility. I can't pull myself out of bed most days before 4pm, but you are raising two kids at the age of 24. Props.
You wanted to help me get better. You wanted to make me happy. You really believed you could. You didn't like my negativity. Every night you would say "Tell me three positive things about your day." Honestly, I found this annoying, but I did it anyways.
You were probably the horniest girl I'd ever met. You would beg me for phone sex. Cyber sex. Any kind of stimulation. I would pull myself out of bed having just woken up and you would be wanting to engage in telerotica. Was I complaining? No, a cute girl wanting to get off is never something I will complain about.
Then things got serious. You wanted to come see me. You wanted me to come see you. There was no way it could work, just no way. I live in Georgia, you live in Jersey. You have two kids to take care of. I have to go to school in the fall. Long distance does not work. Oh yeah, not to mention I've barely known you a month? You're a great girl and all, but these things take time.
You didn't handle this very well. You almost immediately stopped talking to me. You found a new boy to latch onto.
Right away, you were wrapped up in his spell. Of course, who could resist? A charming, smart, internet tycoon. What's not to like? You tried to make me jealous. "I'm trying to be your friend, but you're pushing me away, I miss talking to you. Please don't be mad because of me and Jason?"
Jigga what? You and Jason? So now it seems Mr. Tate and Amelia have some sort of budding romance. Jealous, I was not. I have other interests, I am not phased by your fickle behavior. I was moreso concerned, as it seemed Jason Tate was getting involved with a girl who days, if not hours earlier, was begging me to fuck her and talking about how I make her horny beyond belief. Not to mention the whole "I want to love you, why won't you let me?" conversation. LOL at love. Survey says that isn't real. And not with an internet girl I've known for one month. Calm your horses baby doll, good things cum to those who wait.
The other night, I noticed a plethora of new blog comments. Eagerly I clicked, waiting to see what kind of input people were offering on my life. Turns out it was an exchange between Jason and Amelia, and I couldn't tell if they were both being assholes and making fun of me or just trying to piss me off. I send Amelia a message over AIM asking what that is all about. She replies "Ask Jason, I don't want to get involved with this issue." Issue? Huh?
Amelia has been saying her and Jason are getting married. She tells me over the phone she is moving to Portland. She says it's crazy and it's fast, but it feels like the right thing to do. I tell her she is absolutely fucking ridiculous and it's one of the dumbest ideas I've ever heard, but she swears it is legit. She wanted to tell me before the rest of AP heard rumor. I say too late, people are already talking. I refuse to name my sources. My Deepthroat will not go uncovered. She cries about her right to privacy. I tell her to please GTFO, and that if she is mingling with an Interweb CEO of a massive messageboard, that privacy will more than likely be violated at some point. I PM Jason. Palms sweating, hands shaking, penis firmly erect. How intimidating. Did I piss him off? Have I offended his girl? I tell Jason I mean no harm, and intend to cause no drama. I ask if there is a problem, he says no. I go to sleep wondering what is wrong with the world.
Tate PM's me. I read it. Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit.
Blue pill red pill oh my god the spoon is bending we are not in fucking Wonderland anymore.
She's a liar. There is no Amelia. There is no Secondhandwings. She confessed everything. The jig is up.
There is only one.
All hands on deck.
More details and AIM Quotes as I can find the good ones. I know she was talking with a lot of dudes on this site, and I think we are all equally bummed that this cute brunette is a giant pile of fuck instead. Enjoy, everyone!