I know things change, but my inner child can't help but throw a tantrum. "It's not fair," one side of my consciousness shrieks. As if I'm watching the battle play out in front of me, the other part of my mind, the rational part, stares down the tirading, emotional child to ask, "Are you done yet?" Arms crossed, toe tapping and looking down, she responds, "Yes."
Sitting against the wall, battle decided, I'm finally ok with how the evening has worked out. Content with the situation, I'm now more amused that the emotional decisions made in July ended up so far off from the original plan. Even my backup plans ran aground. There is nothing I can do now except make the best of this moment. Money aside, there will be no other fallout from the evening unless I let it.
As if those thoughts were controlling my actions, I stand and move my way into the crowd. Here, this will be a superb spot to watch. Another spot opens up in front of me and I move up. Again the crowd shifts and again I step forward, slowing inching my way towards the barricade. It's unintentional, but before I can realize what I'm doing, I'm in the third row from the stage. Oh, how 14 year old of me. I sigh, wondering just how long I'll last in the pit. My record lately hasn't looked great. My patience for dealing with people who don't know how to act in a crowd is at an all time low.
I'm not sure at what point during the night it occurred, but sometime between singing along to Blink 182 and not worrying about anything but the present, I regained my passion. It's not something I felt that I had entirely lost, but rather, that it had been strangled and mutilated by a position which was originally supposed to promote its growth. Funny how we can convince ourselves of things. I really need this, but do I? You define your very own reality. But now that's I've named the problem, can I save myself from it?
There is no drum solo tonight. The only disappointment in an otherwise brilliant evening. I'm thrilled with myself. The ability to stay positive when the chips are down. I've been practicing and I'm relieved the effort is paying off. I'm in such a glorious mood that I work my way through the exiting crowd and over to the merch table. Chewing my lip, I contemplate the cost. Australia. Australia. Australia. I chant to myself, backing away from the table and towards the direction of my car. Nothing and no one could cut down my buoyant mood. I start the car, and begin to make the drive home. And hopefully, towards banishing the ghosts that haunt my passion.