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Fast Forward
Fast Forward
02/01/08 at 09:43 AM by brentkid
I feel like I'm at a time in my life where I just want to fast forward. Everything I know right now is just building me up for who I'll be a year from now and even further down the road. There's nothing immediately gratifying in my life right now. No relationships, nothing involved with a career and lastly, nothing that's making me happy. I'm sort of just content with how things are now. Not necessarily upset but not overjoyed. I mean I guess that's better than just being miserable but I just feel this overwhelming emptiness right now. Some days I'll wake up and be completely optimistic about my outlook, and that everything is going fine, but there there's the days I wake up and I literally feel like I want to cry. I mean how pathetic is that? I'm sitting in my school library right now thinking about all of this and all I want to do is just go home and cry, sleep, mourn, whatever. I don't even care. I just want out.

I just don't understand why me, out of everyone I know, has always been the one that struggles to get a grasp on things. To just be happy. I mean in elementary school it was me struggling to learn despite a learning disability. I overcome that and enter middle school and I'm viciously picked on for two and a half years. I get to high school and things become amazing once I met my ex but now she's gone and I've never felt so alone. Everyone is at school and the closest thing I have to friends are the guys I work with at my job who all happen to be way older than me. I'm grateful to still have my family but I don't want to always rely on them. I can't connect with them on everything. My brother is younger and too stubborn to understand how I really feel or come to me and try to at least comfort me and my parents are just parents. They'll just give me a speech about how they love me and that I can do anything I want and that things will get better.

The thing is I've been waiting for four months now for things to get better and the improvement is far from anything meaningful. I'm still as lonely, I just know how to cope with it until the end of the day when I go to sleep.

I don't know why I'm so emotional today. I think it's because it's her birthday today and for three years it was a day we spent together to celebrate. Maybe it's because I sent her a text last night to wish her a happy birthday and with her drunken fingers she said "thanks" and "i miss you". Now she's with new people, a new boyfriend who I still don't know if she entirely wants to be with or not, and in another part of the state. I just want the summer to come. To be home for three months with no obligations. Where if I'm feeling badly, I can just relax.

I really just want to fast forward. I want to get away. It's so immature but everything in the past few months has asked me to be too mature.
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