It's not how I expected it to be, but life rarely goes as you plan. You can set a goal, be it for tomorrow or for ten years from now, and it can all still change faster than you can piece it back together. I suppose it is how you adapt that determines your fate. You can let something consume you and hold you down, or you can move forward with your life.
I'm not an optimist by any means, don't get me wrong. It's just that I know what I want, and I'm fucking tired of people wasting my time (and theirs) because they don't. Or because they're scared. Or because it's easier to do nothing. Guess what? The world doesn't give a shit if you're scared. Time will not stand still for you. You don't get stronger by giving up. You don't learn from constant avoidance. If you aren't willing to take a risk or make some sacrifice, then don't expect a fucking thing from anyone else. That's not how it works, because it doesn't fucking work at all.
There's one conversation that stands out in my mind, and why exactly, I don't even fucking know. Maybe it was the desperation in your voice. Maybe it was the fact that regardless of how shitty you felt, you still didn't change. Maybe I was just pathetic for still wanting so badly to try.
"I haven't done this before. Having to lose somebody that's such a good friend, that's my best friend, and also my boyfriend."
You didn't have to. You chose to.
You didn't lose him. You left him.
According to the DSM-IV, for each year invested in a relationship, it takes approximately one to to months to recover from the point at which the relationship ends.
I suppose I shouldn't expect so much, so soon. Even from myself. But, expectations are worthless, remember? What happens is what matters. Not some glorified hope or wish of how it should be. Wishes are a fucking joke, man. Wishes are a fucking waste of time. Wishes are for people that will inevitably look back on their life with a remarkable amount of regret because in the moment, they couldn't do what they really needed to. We all have our faults. That does not mean we are lost causes.
I've been trying not to think about it lately. It doesn't really work. To be honest, it doesn't work at all.