This week's article is all about righting a wrong, ending a tragedy and generally fixing stuff. It has come to my attention that music has no award show of any type... at all. There's no opportunity to reward the drug addicts who helped us "study" for history finals. Well, no longer! Head over to Can't Keep Up central and feast your brown(?) eyes on The First Annual CANTY's. Or check the whole thing out in the replies.
Can't Keep Up is a semi-weekly article/not-an-article about what it's like to be a music fan in this weird era (and by weird I mean, "ewww.") You may disagree with the stupidity and bad grammar, but you can't deny the fact that NONE of us ever have any idea what is really going on out there. Snap, crackle, poop!!
Can't Keep Up #6: And the Loser Winner Is...
As my favorite channel HLN (nee Headline News) keeps reminding me, it's awards season!! Not only is this the most exciting time of year, but it's also the most meaningful. We get to watch rich people drink rich things because we don't do that enough. After all, these people were in The Tourist and that Disney animated movie about hair fetishes! They deserve it!
Which got me thinking, why isn't there a music awards show? Movies has one. TV has one. Even sports has one (although that one's always: "Just give it to the disabled kid who can balance a beachball on his nose, am i right, America???). And I know it's not hip or in-vogue to like music anymore (as my Match.com dating profile constantly reminds me), but since when did a little thing like popularity stop anyone (*ahem* George Lopez's goatee *ahem*). So without further aPOO, here's the
FIRST ANNUAL CANTY'S: A DIGITAL WALK TO REMEMBER; 2011 STYLE, BABY
Best Awesome Dancing In A Video That Also Reminds Us Of Your Former Terrible Transgressions Against Humanity (and possibly Women)
Chris Brown - "Yeah 3X"
-While this video is both awesome and kind of looks like what my dreams do after taking horse tranquilizers, the fact that one of Mr. Brown's dancers is a straight up NINJA and that the video's main dance number features kicking and punching and choking, is just too perfect. If on the off-chance we'd forgotten about Mr. Brown beating the poop out of Rihanna, all we have to do is pretend she's right next to the dance team as they karate chop their way into the history books. Art imitating life, love it.
Best New Music Streaming Website With A Catchy Name
-This newbie flew onto the scene last summer and quickly captivated the fret fingers and dick slings of band dudes everywhere. Their revolutionary idea to give each band their own site, or in their lingo, "Space", quickly gave previously small/terrible bands the ability to suddenly share their love poems and dick pics with the masses. And the best part was that sometimes we didn't even think we wanted to hear the music, but after a couple thousand spam messages, the truth became clear: we needed these tunes. Everyone at the CANTY's is super stoked to see where these guys go next.
Be one of the first to advertise on MY________ and get a free mug!
Best Trend That Makes It Exponentially Harder To Like You
Wearing Big, Over-Ear headphones on public transportation
-Look, I'm a person with a heart, so I can't help but love what Dr. Dre has done for headphones. His "Beats by Dre" line offers so much bass that I can't use them before bed for fear of getting blood on my partner (in-crime, you gutterbrains). But also since I have a heart, every time I walk out of the condo, I'm looking to make a new friend. Back in the 80's this was easy, all I did was put powdered sugar on my lip and walk to any street that intersected with Martin Luther King Jr BLVD. But nowadays who can even afford powdered sugar!? All I have is my looks and MAYBE a graphic tee. So I'm out, cruising for FRIENDS yet everyone is using these giant people headphones with all the bass even though, does My Chemical Romance even have a bassist? All I'm saying is, public transportation used to be a breeding ground for FRIENDSHIP, but now it's just another place I'm completely alone smelling like an Italian nightclub.
Best Band Name That I Don't Understand
Three Inches of Blood
-So I guess it's not that I don't understand the name, because the imagery is clear. There are plenty of real world situations I can think of where you would encounter three inches of people juice. For instance, backstage at an MMA fight. Also, war. But the thing that's perplexing to me, is that this name seems better suited for, you know, a "hard" or "heavy" band; for some dudes who poop goat brains and eat goat brains (should have switched those, but whatever!). But 3IOB are just a bunch of loser folk musicians or something. They drink aged Scotch Whisky and one of them might even have a non-ironic "Mom" tattoo. Hopefully this award will make these nancyboys re-think the image they're perpetuating and save us all some time. Truth in Advertising, dudes.