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10:55 AM on 08/29/12
Drew Beringer
Senior Editor - @drewberinger - Locked Groove
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From The Office of Dr. Keith: 8/29when i'm home, i have no problem making deadlines. when im in Europe? #prayforwifi

Hello my dearest,
I know that my mail will come to you as a surprise since you do not know me. Please,am very sorry if I disturb your privacy. It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I intend to establish in your country.

The reason why I have contacted you this way is because of the urgent need and pressure which I am now facing to find some one to help me. My Late father ( Ismael who was the former Minister of Economy and Finance of Laurent Gbagbo and died on January 11, 2012, but before his death, he deposited a huge amount of Eight million Six Hundred Thousand Euro, (€8.6Million) in one of the leading bank here in Abidjan cote d'Ivoire.Urgently am looking for your help to guide me on how this money will be transferred abroad so that I can move out of here to continue my education in your country while you take charge of the investment with the money.

I am humbly seeking your godly assistance in the following ways; To provide a bank account into which this money would be transferred and to serve as a guardian of this money since am an Orphans and still very young. If you can be of an assistance to me,I will be pleased to offer to you 30% Of the total money. Please I am waiting for your response urgently so that I can discuss more with you.

From Ms.Rasheka Ismael
Rue de Gabon Abidjan 01.
West Africa.

I cant tell you how happy I am to have gotten this email in my inbox. I know I fuck around on here a lot and don’t say too many things of actual value, but this is finally my chance to prove just how serious and helpful I can be when I put my mind to it. It is of no concern that I have never met you before, since roughly about 100% of my clientele is comprised of well natured strangers just looking for a bit of council. typically this is not something one would approach a “doctor” with, but I consider myself a philanthropist and therefore am eager and willing to assist in ANY way I can. Firstly, allow me to extend my condolences regarding the passing of your father. He sounds like he was an incredible (not to mention wealthy) man. Secondly, let me off you the following advice: be patient, I am on hold with my bank as I type this! I am flattered you would trust me to serve as a guardian and when you come here to complete your education, I hope that we can meet and perhaps you will let me buy you some pizza and some seductive nightwear?

Sidenote- im gonna be fuckin rich. Later losers.

My name is felicia I am tall, good looking, perfect body figure and sexy. I saw your profile and was delighted to contact you, I hope you will be the true loving, honest and caring man that I have been looking 4, And I have something special to tell you about me, So please contact me directly through my email address so that I can also send my picture directly to you.

Fortuna is smiling upon me today! Thank you for the kind words Felicia, and while I am honored to be considered for the position of your sinful hunk, is there a question or something you need advice with? If so, please feel free to contact me at my personal email address after office hours. Its fingerUinURsleep@aol.com I cant wait to meet you. Perhaps over a few slices of Hawaiian pizza? I will bring you some seductive nightwear.

My girlfriend is one of those people who get sick incessantly, especially over the winter months. This provides a problem for me because it makes her highly infectious, and therefore touching her will give me whatever she has. She on the other hand, is still insatiable for attention and sex during these periods, making constant approaches to me even though I fervently refuse. My question is, do I suck it up and risk infection, or do what all good men do with a sick animal, and take her out back and shoot her?

This sounds like a situation I faced when I went camping one time with the dude from Boy Meets World and a flesh eating virus seeped into the water supply when a hobo drown in the reservoir. Having seen what a ravenous infection can do to a luscious babe and what conflict it can cause when her skin begins falling off in the middle of “sharing trust”, my advice to you is to what is most moral and humane. shoot her THEN have sex with her. It’s a win win.

Dr. Keith
Recently I got word that you were going on tour with The Chariot and letlive. and I instantly got a half chub that would just not go away. Today the dates were released and there was not one single florida date and immedietly my dick went inside me and refuses to come out. How do I solve such prediciment?

I try to steer clear of questions that are ETID related but allow me to field this one on behalf of all of my friends that are in bands and have to put up with a chorus of disapproval on tour announcement day. We do not pick the venues we play. We don’t pick the cities. we don’t pick the states. Sometimes, we don’t even pick the COUNTRIES. If you read a bands tour dates and you are unhappy with the routing, don’t take to a message board and tell a band you claim to “love” that they can “suck your dick” for not coming near YOUR house. Stop acting so fucking self important and get on the phone with your local promoter. Ask him why he didn’t feel it was beneficial to bring the tour to your glorious and entitled hometown. It could be a simple matter of scheduling. Telling a band they “fucking blow for not playing” near you is something a stalker would tell the woman who he is stalking when his love is unrequited. Grow up, get over yourself and take a road trip.

Dr Keith,
I'm 17, and just started a Hardcore band with my friends. Despite the fact that most "Hardcore" songs are just gibberish about beating people up and being an anti- religion, anarchist, I'd like our lyrics to have a bit more meaning. Any advice?

If you want depth, the only thing you need to do is not be a teenager while writing lyrics.

Dr. Keith,
I just transferred to a new city with my job. I had a great time living in DC, but my job is better in Charlotte. Anyway, how can I go about making new friends?

I had no idea people made friends anymore. Do you mean which chat rooms to log into? Or like, which keywords to put on the youtube videos you submit (fergie, sisqo, anime, panties and cum- FYI)? I’m kind of lost here. I know that the last time I made a friend I sent her an instant message of Tom Selleck when she asked what celebrity I looked like, but that was like 10 years ago. oh wait!! I saw a movie once that had one person meet another person and it was at something called “The Titanic”. Is that still a thing? Go there.

Dear Dr. Keith,
I recently finished One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest and found that I enjoyed it while being thoroughly affected by it at the same time. Towards the end of the book, I found the plot loosely paralleling that of the story of Jesus, with him inspiring change and hope within his twelve friends, and suffering a tragic fate for it. At the same time, I felt in that there was a little bit of commentary on the nature of religious figures and the religious experience as well. I figured I'd ask for your view since you studied English in university, and I'm a professional bum. Also, I'm starting my B. Ed September. Any advice on how to be a good teacher?

I took a course at VT that was strictly about OFOTCN so I mean it when I say that every single sentence in that book has a deeper meaning. From the names of the characters, to their relationships, to their backgrounds to their future plans, it is ALL an allegory. Celtic Folklore, mysticism, religion, Greek and Roman Gods and Goddesses, its all there. My professor was named Donald Hall and he was in the middle of publishing a book about it. look it up, I don’t know if he actually ever did. He had long hair and looked like Billy Mitchell from “King of Kong.” He gave me a D on my final thesis paper. Fuck that dude. My advice on being a good teacher is to stay current and learnt to make connections between “boring” text and “exciting” pop culture things like the furby or whatever the fuck kids like nowadays.

I happened to glance at my TV earlier and thought "Wow... Keith Buckley is on cable television." But, to my surprise, it was only an imposter. I am sitting on my living room floor staring at your doppelgänger, Taco, from the show The League (on FX). Same flannel, stubble, similar hair, alcoholism, smutty tone, and spouting random belligerent cock jokes. Maybe you've seen this guy (other than in the mirror), I haven't had cable in 7 years (Shinfo) so this hit me like a ton of bricks. It may seem trivial but I have to know... do you see the resemblance? Do you feel cheated? Have you heard this already?

I get it. I look like Taco. can we all shut the fuck up about this already?

Dear Dr. Buckley,
I have recently rekindled a relationship with a man that I treated like ass a few years back, during our first “go” at dating. This current time around, I have completely fallen for him, but he’s not showing the same attraction. Have I been friend-zoned for being such a douche during my first chance? And if so, how can I move beyond this dreaded zone to pursue more of a relationship with him?

If you’re a woman, there is no way you have been “friend-zoned”. That sector is a sexual time out that only guys get put into. If you’re being given the cold shoulder, its only because you made him feel stupid once and now he wants you to know how bad it is for just a moment before aggressively removing his slacks. He is also probably reveling in the fact that he got you back and knows that as long as hes got you at bay, hes still got you. He knows, like all other guys do, that after a month of bodily passions, you’ll remember why you didn’t like him in the first place. Shinfo: Ted Bundy became a lawyer just to impress a girl who rejected him. when she asked him out after reviewing his impressive resume, he showed her what a superficial asshole she was and embarrassingly rejected her instead. That ted. What a cool guy.

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