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07:14 AM on 03/01/09 
#1
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User Info.
livingalive626
remember, remember...
livingalive626's Avatar
Dallas
Male
picture poetry put to, again, experimental/indie style music.
would love feedback.

Glimpses


We fail, fall, and escape to Neverland
Hide our souls from the crimson sky
That, Oh, so promptly, finds us
Near the swollen river's edge
Hoping that the day is near, when
The kissing tree will retain its leaves
And our quiet stream will flow unhindered
Down the mountain in blissful peace
And let the sleepers lie where they fell
With dirty needles and hopeless dreams that
Only sing them back to sleep
The moment consciousness returns
With the miser's gold they
Strangled from the throats of those
Who’s houses fell on shattered lives
The moment thunder proclaimed it's judgment

So here we watch the blackness fade
Away into the old horizon that
Swallows whole the glimpses of
The reality of our fallen world
09:50 PM on 03/15/09 
#2
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fishingthe_sky
armadillohotel.blogspot.c om
fishingthe_sky's Avatar
Boston, MA
Male - 27 Years Old
We fail, fall, and escape to Neverland
I'm a bit iffy about a Peter Pan reference. It's one of those allusions that can be really hokey. Also, using "fail" and "fall" here is redundant because they literally mean the same thing.

Hide our souls from the crimson sky
That, Oh, so promptly, finds us
If I could post an open letter asking everyone who posts in the forum to stop using things like "oh so" I would. I honestly hate phrases like "oh so" and "ever so." It's not really your fault, persay; a lot of artists in the "scene" use phrases like this all the time, and it's easy to fall into the trappings of using them too. Phrases like this are not clever, though, nor do they ever add anything to a work. Expunge them from your work, as they detract from the overall quality of your (and everyone else who uses them's) writing.

Near the swollen river's edge
Hoping that the day is near, when
The kissing tree will retain its leaves
Hmm, I'm struggling to grasp what you are trying to say with these images. I don't understand the image of a kissing tree at all; if you mean a tree that you kiss under or by, then I suppose that's the best way you can put it, but I do think there are better images out there. The problem is that I don't know why this image is here. What is it's purpose? And what of these leaves? They seem to have importance, but it does not come across in these lines

And our quiet stream will flow unhindered
Down the mountain in blissful peace
Mentioning a stream flowing "unhindered" without giving any clue as to what is making it hindered in the first place defeats the purpose of the image.

And let the sleepers lie where they fell
With dirty needles and hopeless dreams that
Only sing them back to sleep
This is murky imagery. Why the dirty needles? These types of ideas/images are becoming quite the trendy thing these days, and lack really any sort of potency. Also, if the sleepers are already lying, then they haven't woken, and thus can't be sung back to sleep. It doesn't make sense logicially.

The moment consciousness returns
With the miser's gold they
Strangled from the throats of those
Who’s houses fell on shattered lives
The moment thunder proclaimed it's judgment
Do you mean to say that the moment in the first of these lines is the moment that the last moment happened? If so, you don't quite lead us from point A to point B, and so you seem to just mention these two unrelated/unconnected moments. Also, you've got some pronoun confusion going on: you seem to be saying the misers are not the same people who own the houses, yet if it's miser's gold that's been strangled, then it has to be from the misers who own the houses' throats.

So here we watch the blackness fade
Away into the old horizon that
Swallows whole the glimpses of
The reality of our fallen world
Ah, I guess this is where Neverland comes in to play. I'm not really understanding how we get to this fallen world, or where it comes from. In your poem, you do not build a world that has fallen, nor lead us really away from this place, but simply claim escape in the first line and only mention what is being escaped at the very end, throwing in imagery of what appears to be Neverland, which then turns out not to be Neverland. You start us at point B and work backwards to point A, yet not in a way that makes that backtrack clear. Also, I'm struggling with the idea of blackness fading into a horizon which swallows glimpses of a world. What does blackness get faded into? I'm not trying to be uber literal here, but rather it seems as though any and all fading is reaching some undetermined visionisitic anti-reality that effectively ignores giving any sort of orientation to the sense that is being used for the image. I'm left without any idea as to what the characters are actually watching at the end of this.

Going of the characters, you shift from a vague "us" to a vague "them" without ever really clearly defining us and them and the relationship between us and them. This weakens the poem considerably, as there is no real sense of who is being affected and how this is affecting them.

Overall, I think that you need to clarify and define your images, characters, and chain of events. You have all of these in place, yet they lack a strong foundation, and thus the poem becomes a sloppy mess of loosely bounded ideas. You can also push these images and ideas farther; right now, they sort of hover in a blander territory of images, not really being truly evoking. Take a swollen river, for example: you have a lot to work with in both swollen imagery and water imagery, yet you leave it at it's most basic level. I will commend you on the effort based on your age though. This is one of the few pieces from your age-group posted here that did not make me cringe to read it, and I think that this piece demonstrates potential.
06:33 PM on 03/16/09 
#3
Offline
User Info.
livingalive626
remember, remember...
livingalive626's Avatar
Dallas
Male
We fail, fall, and escape to Neverland
I'm a bit iffy about a Peter Pan reference. It's one of those allusions that can be really hokey. Also, using "fail" and "fall" here is redundant because they literally mean the same thing.



Hide our souls from the crimson sky
That, Oh, so promptly, finds us
If I could post an open letter asking everyone who posts in the forum to stop using things like "oh so" I would. I honestly hate phrases like "oh so" and "ever so." It's not really your fault, persay; a lot of artists in the "scene" use phrases like this all the time, and it's easy to fall into the trappings of using them too. Phrases like this are not clever, though, nor do they ever add anything to a work. Expunge them from your work, as they detract from the overall quality of your (and everyone else who uses them's) writing.



Near the swollen river's edge
Hoping that the day is near, when
The kissing tree will retain its leaves
Hmm, I'm struggling to grasp what you are trying to say with these images. I don't understand the image of a kissing tree at all; if you mean a tree that you kiss under or by, then I suppose that's the best way you can put it, but I do think there are better images out there. The problem is that I don't know why this image is here. What is it's purpose? And what of these leaves? They seem to have importance, but it does not come across in these lines





And our quiet stream will flow unhindered
Down the mountain in blissful peace
Mentioning a stream flowing "unhindered" without giving any clue as to what is making it hindered in the first place defeats the purpose of the image.







And let the sleepers lie where they fell
With dirty needles and hopeless dreams that
Only sing them back to sleep
This is murky imagery. Why the dirty needles? These types of ideas/images are becoming quite the trendy thing these days, and lack really any sort of potency. Also, if the sleepers are already lying, then they haven't woken, and thus can't be sung back to sleep. It doesn't make sense logicially.







The moment consciousness returns
With the miser's gold they
Strangled from the throats of those
Who’s houses fell on shattered lives
The moment thunder proclaimed it's judgment
Do you mean to say that the moment in the first of these lines is the moment that the last moment happened? If so, you don't quite lead us from point A to point B, and so you seem to just mention these two unrelated/unconnected moments. Also, you've got some pronoun confusion going on: you seem to be saying the misers are not the same people who own the houses, yet if it's miser's gold that's been strangled, then it has to be from the misers who own the houses' throats.

So here we watch the blackness fade
Away into the old horizon that
Swallows whole the glimpses of
The reality of our fallen world
Ah, I guess this is where Neverland comes in to play. I'm not really understanding how we get to this fallen world, or where it comes from. In your poem, you do not build a world that has fallen, nor lead us really away from this place, but simply claim escape in the first line and only mention what is being escaped at the very end, throwing in imagery of what appears to be Neverland, which then turns out not to be Neverland. You start us at point B and work backwards to point A, yet not in a way that makes that backtrack clear. Also, I'm struggling with the idea of blackness fading into a horizon which swallows glimpses of a world. What does blackness get faded into? I'm not trying to be uber literal here, but rather it seems as though any and all fading is reaching some undetermined visionisitic anti-reality that effectively ignores giving any sort of orientation to the sense that is being used for the image. I'm left without any idea as to what the characters are actually watching at the end of this.


Going of the characters, you shift from a vague "us" to a vague "them" without ever really clearly defining us and them and the relationship between us and them. This weakens the poem considerably, as there is no real sense of who is being affected and how this is affecting them.

Overall, I think that you need to clarify and define your images, characters, and chain of events. You have all of these in place, yet they lack a strong foundation, and thus the poem becomes a sloppy mess of loosely bounded ideas. You can also push these images and ideas farther; right now, they sort of hover in a blander territory of images, not really being truly evoking. Take a swollen river, for example: you have a lot to work with in both swollen imagery and water imagery, yet you leave it at it's most basic level. I will commend you on the effort based on your age though. This is one of the few pieces from your age-group posted here that did not make me cringe to read it, and I think that this piece demonstrates potential.

1. what i was shooting for here was more a "wish" than a reality. the escape to Neverland was only in our minds. or it was meant to be. i agree its confusing. and fail and fall....hmm... i guess maybe i disagree, because we fell only because we failed...?

2.haha alright, noted.

3.this means basically that we are hoping for good times to come again... and ill confess right now i took the term "kissing tree" from a song by jon foreman...haha. so blame him for coming up with it lol. i thought it makes a cool mental picture but maybe not...

4.again, referring to good times. "our stream"... the fact that it was hindered expresses the idea of the overall piece, namely, how dark and messed up our world is

5.i agree with the trendy part... but i maybe you didn't associate the above verses with the line below? because to me it makes sense... they are sung back to sleep the moment conscienceness returns....

6.completely agree, the most confusing part of the whole piece lol. i will work on it.

7.well let me say, this whole piece was written because i was inspired by a painting of thunderclouds disappearing into the horizon... and i drew (however roughly and imperfectly) a picture of our world from those dark clouds, and the destruction they left behind them. maybe that makes the last verse more clear?

and overall, thank you for this critique. this forum is the only place i feel i get honest feedback, and i appreciate it.



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